supercut

“In my head I play a supercut of us”

 

It was a moment in time. Such a small fraction of our lives, but it felt like forever. It felt like you’d always been a part of me.

You can look back and see all the memories of us. I loved your exuberance. Your spirit. You were adorable in your excitement. I loved your way with words. I loved your caring heart. I loved all the times we laughed together. I loved all the times you rested your head on me on the bus, and put your arm around my waist, and held my hand, and stroked my hair. I miss the love you’d show me when we woke every morning. All these supercuts. And to know they’ll only ever be that…

 

“In your car, the radio up

We keep trying to talk about us”

 

We kept talking about “us”. First it was, what are we? in detailed careful convoluted conversation. Then we were talking about problems. About ways that you hurt me. About ways I hurt you. About the future. About the past. About the present. About breaking up.

Maybe we talked too much about us for it to work. Maybe that was the sign … that we had so many problems. Talking is good they say. You need to communicate. And I thought it was good. We resolved some arguments. But they would always always come back and become more serious, bigger, and bloodier, every time.

In the end, it was me, always, trying to talk about whether there was an “us” worth fighting for anymore

 

“I’ll be your quiet afternoon crush, be your violent overnight rush, make you crazy over my touch”

 

Maybe it blew me away that I was all three to you. And that’s how I fell in love. Because I wanted so much to be wanted. I wanted to touch someone so tremendously. And I felt so much power from that and the power made me drunk.

 

“In my head, I do everything right”

 

This line hits me every time. I feel like I did so many things wrong. I hurt you so many times. We went too fast. We didn’t do it right. And I always repeat in my head – if I’d done it differently, maybe it’d have worked out. Maybe if we’d been friends first. I didn’t know you felt that much. You would say I was playing with your heart and maybe I did.

And yet I don’t regret our relationship at all. I wouldn’t want to turn back time and erase it and I don’t think you would either. And neither of us could have predicted the future.

Maybe in the end this line is just a wishful thinking … wishing for a world of no pain and a world of perfection. And I know it doesn’t exist.

 

“When you call, I’ll forgive and not fight”

 

I couldn’t forgive you for so many things and there are things and times when it would come back to me and I would be filled with so much anger. But I don’t feel that anger anymore. Maybe I’ve been detached from my feelings now and so it doesn’t matter anymore. But even then, in the throes of it, when I was alone in my room with my thoughts, I’d think: if this were my last day on earth, I want to spend it with the man I love. It doesn’t do to be angry. Forgive. Be the bigger person. Have a bigger heart.

But I wouldn’t really forgive, only on the surface. Underneath, it’d fester. It’d drive me crazy with resentment. And I’d fight, over and over.

It mattered so so little but my heart wasn’t big enough

 

“Ours are the moments I play in the dark, We were wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart”

 

I dream about you. Over and over. I can’t seem to stop the dreams. We laugh. We make love. We forgive each other. When I’m alone at night, my mind drifts to you.

We WERE wild and fluorescent and beautiful. I will always have a place for you in my heart.

 

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type 4

I decided to read up a detailed summary of my enneagram type again. I am amazed all over by how this profile seems to know me better than I know myself. Everything I read was absolutely true about myself and some were things I hadn’t realised but that made everything make so much sense. It’s hardly a positive portrait of myself but it’s in knowing our weaknesses that we can become better versions of ourselves, isn’t it?

The Individualist: the summary begins by calling this the sensitive, introspective type. I suppose the fact that I’m writing an entire post about my enneagram findings – about who I am as one of nine types – suggests I am highly introspective … too much for my own good, in fact. As for the sensitive aspect, I couldn’t think of a word to describe me better – except perhaps for the next adjectives: expressive, dramatic, self absorbed, temperamental.

Wow. Need I even say more? Already the test has grasped my incessant need to share my thoughts and feelings with the people I care about and my tendency to overdramatise and feel too much. I say that I make a bigger deal out of things than they really deserve – but who’s to say how important something really is? I overcommunicate and feel too much … Hayley Kiyoko always seems to find a way to apply to me.

I have always been self aware as Fours tend to be. The problem is, this self awareness doesn’t translate to any change. While arguably, self awareness is beneficial in and of itself insofar as it contributes to an understanding of self and an increase of knowledge, it doesn’t fix our problems or our flaws. The same goes for honesty. While I am determined to be honest with myself so that I can know myself, it feels like I’m then left stagnating. What does one do with knowledge?

And yet, for a Type Four, maybe change is in fact less important than understanding. The basic fear of the four is having no identity or personal significance and the basic desire is to find themselves and their significance – to find an identity. I’ve never read a truer sentence. Surprisingly, although I’ve  always known that I’m lost at finding my identity, to be confronted with the idea that the need for an identity could be my identity itself is a whole different thing. And at the same time, it’s absolutely true of myself. I feel like I can never quite realise who I am but rather than let it be, I feel this desperation to know and this terror at never finding my purpose and wandering life without knowing who I am and what I’m striving for.

One part I do not exactly relate to is the idea of being fundamentally different from others. I don’t believe I am fundamentally different as I feel that although other people may portray a certain image, I am convinced that they do feel and think some of what I do – except you cannot know for sure unless they choose to confide in you. However, it is true that I see my skill set as being different from others and do tend to see myself as inferior in certain areas – for instance, I maintain that I am horrible at socialising while nearly everyone else has it together. You get to a point where you wonder how much of what you believe of yourself is truth and how much is distorted reality.

The profile mentions the feeling of something missing in oneself. It suggests that we see certain qualities in other people that we feel we lack: will power …  Social ease … Self-confidence … Emotional tranquility. But even though I do perceive this disjuncture between myself and others, I do not want to be alone. It is a primary fear, along with the fear of absence of identity. I want deeply to be understood … to be listened to.

I suppose that’s where the self absorbed aspect comes in as well. I am unable to stop thinking about myself and get out of my head and turn my attention to something bigger and more important. It’s always about me. At heart, Fours are apocalyptic teenagers.

At the same time, the profile does offer advice.

“In the course of their lives, Fours may try several different identities on for size, basing them on styles, preferences, or qualities they find attractive in others.”

This is something I have done. Being unsure of my identity, I try on different identities based on people I admire. But the problem I find is that I fit into several different identities.

“But underneath the surface, they still feel uncertain about who they really are. The problem is that they base their identity largely on their feelings. When Fours look inward they see a kaleidoscopic, ever-shifting pattern of emotional reactions. Indeed, Fours accurately perceive a truth about human nature—that it is dynamic and ever changing. But because they want to create a stable, reliable identity from their emotions, they attempt to cultivate only certain feelings while rejecting others. Some feelings are seen as “me,” while others are “not me.” By attempting to hold on to specific moods and express others, Fours believe that they are being true to themselves.”

And this helps the search for identity to become clearer. Maybe at the end of the day, there is no such thing as a solid identity. As the profile says, human nature is dynamic and ever changing. There is no reason the different identities aren’t equally “me”. Except that makes identity confusing. I feel like I am more than one person. But is that really such a bad thing? There is a risk to only accepting certain moods as being consistent with identity because they limit oneself. They make a person less whole and less full than they could otherwise be. Just imagine all the creative potential and diversity of experience that would come from accepting that “me” does not mean, let’s say, that I am only a socially anxious, quiet, introspective human who doesn’t belong, but that sometimes I am a happy, carefree, loud person who loves and gets along with other people … because the truth is that I have moments and experiences like these. But I become so fixated on the idea that I am socially inept and forever alone that I don’t let myself appreciate the full happiness and success that I am capable of feeling.

“Fours can become so attached to longing and disappointment that they are unable to recognize the many treasures in their lives.”

Case in point.

I always feel like there’s something out there that I am missing. I feel such an aching. But I’ve come to realise it is probably an illusion. There is nothing magical out there that can remove this longing … not in this life at least. There is happiness to be found in what I know.

“As long as they believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with them, they cannot allow themselves to experience or enjoy their many good qualities. To acknowledge their good qualities would be to lose their sense of identity (as a suffering victim) and to be without a relatively consistent personal identity (their Basic Fear). Fours grow by learning to see that much of their story is not true—or at least it is not true any more. The old feelings begin to fall away once they stop telling themselves their old tale: it is irrelevant to who they are right now.”

It’s a scary idea to think that my identity is as a victim and that I’m therefore stuck in a vicious cycle. I suppose it is similar to the idea that people get stuck in abusive relationships over and over because they believe that’s what they deserve. In believing that one is a terrible person and will always fall short, when the opposite happens, it threatens this sense of identity and therefore the mind tells itself that this is not success. This is not happiness. It is not an easy thing to be in pain, so to survive, we tell ourselves that there is beauty in pain. We embrace the pain and make it ours, but we become so intertwined within it that we will in fact, take sadness with us to our graves.

Yet it is also possible to build up a new identity.

“Addictions: Over-indulgence in rich foods, sweets, alcohol to alter mood, to socialize, and for emotional consolation. Lack of physical activity. Bulimia. Depression. Tobacco, prescription drugs, or heroin for social anxiety. Cosmetic surgery to erase rejected features.”

Two words: comfort eating. There was a time when I would eat entire family packs of chocolates at one go. After the first five or so, it was a steady spiral into nausea. It didn’t taste good at all. And yet, I couldn’t stop. I can’t describe the self hatred that came from knowing that I was destroying my own body, that I was making myself fat (a misguided fear but a huge fear of mine nonetheless) which would make me hate myself even more, that I was making myself feel even shittier than I had before, but I couldn’t stop. I find the word comfort eating a little strange. There was no comfort in gorging on sweets.

I will admit becoming a little wary of alcohol now that I’ve started as I do not want to become reliant on it. I use alcohol sometimes to fall asleep when I am in too much emotional pain to do so on my own. It really doesn’t do to numb pain. Pain must be dealt with. But consistent with my over introspective tendencies, dealing with pain means analysing it when maybe sometimes distraction really is better. Maybe I just need to be distracted out of my little bubble and alcohol is good for that.

Advice for Fours include paying less attention to feelings and remembering that negative feelings do not erase the presence of positive ones nor does that become your identity. I especially like the idea that self confidence and self esteem comes from positive experiences. This is true. And yet, before having self confidence and self esteem, it’s difficult to put oneself in the position to have these experiences. But one must do so anyway. At the end of the day, I think a key point for Fours to follow is to spend less time in their mind and in their mire of feelings and more time doing. Being. Meeting people. Making connections. Trying new things and new experiences.

At the end of the day, I also think that simply realising that the obsession with identity is a personality trait makes it seem less serious and less important. It gives perspective in the sense that we see this compulsion not as gospel that we must follow but as an odd quirk of ourselves that we can ignore. We can ignore it … even though it will probably rear its head at the most inopportune of times … we can still ignore it.

The other recommendation I found extremely helpful was that Fours need to focus their thoughts, experiences, and compulsions into creativity. That explains why I get incredibly anxious and depressed when I stop creating. I need an outlet for these impulses and I need a purpose. Creation takes impulse and makes it into art and I feel like I’ve done something of significance. Even if no one should discover what I’ve created, at least … I HAVE created something, and perhaps somewhere, someone will find beauty in it. And through that, I am able to add beauty to another person’s life.

20 Things Before I’m 20

  1. Color my hair an unusual color
  2. Get a cartilage piercing
  3. Join a glee club
  4. Join the circus club
  5. Go to another prom
  6. Learn another programming language (I know Python right now)
  7. Write at least 5 short stories
  8. Get a set of fairy lights
  9. Get my restricted license
  10. Participate in a psychology study/research project
  11. Go clubbing
  12. Spend Valentine’s day with somebody
  13. Perform music on a stage again
  14. Go to at least one counselling session
  15. Donate blood
  16. Take part in the 48 Hour Film Festival
  17. Go to a Pride parade (or a gay bar if I miss the first)
  18. Learn to manage my depression and anxiety in a healthy way (if not completely overcome them)
  19. Progress on the journey of learning to love myself and learn to be happy with being alone. (But, also if I could make friends and find a partner, that would be amazing :P)
  20. Continue to pursue knowledge and art

 

 

loneliness

i feel it so acutely

this loneliness closing in on me

even when im in a room with another person, i still feel alone

i have few friends … few people who actually care to talk and much fewer who actually care to meet up

and of those who will, there are even fewer that i feel an actual connection with

there are few where our conversation is 100 percent natural and not stilted and perfect

i can feel so alone even around a person

because it doesnt feel like they care. theyre in their own little world, on their phone, watching a video, or talking to someone else … i feel a sense like – why am i even here? im not adding anything to their life and they dont care that im here. do i care that theyre here? and if we dont … how is that different from being alone?

im yearning – always – to feel not alone anymore. to feel belonging. to feel love. to feel companionship. to feel camaraderie. to feel togetherness.

i know that i use sex as a way to feel less alone

it’s not my only reason for having sex, of course

but i know that it helps and i know it probably isnt a healthy thing. i use dating, hookups, and flirting with strangers online to feel some semblance of not aloneness. because …

those are the people who will reply when i message

they are the people who are interested in what i have to say – or at least they pretend to be interested? if they are not actually

they are people who will actually invest their time and energy and will actually care to meet up with me and not flake last minute

and i hate that that’s how it is, even while i understand why

sometimes it makes me wonder if the only thing i have to offer of any worth to other people is my body …

it feels like that’s the only way i can keep someone’s attention

its that one on one attention that i crave for it makes me feel not alone anymore. i feel like i have a friend – someone who cares for me and who i care about too and someone to share my life with and to share their life with me. someone who notices i exist and wants to be a part of my life.

is it true? that my body is all that keeps people around?

my best friend keeps me sane. i know she is my friend for my mind and for the times we have together.

i guess i wish i could find a significant other like that

i like people but i wish they gave more of a shit about me

sometimes i wonder if i have it all backwards. that i need to learn to be happy and content with being by myself. i cant rely on someone else to make me not feel lonely.

but i dont know how to do that and is that something i should?

we’re humans. we’re naturally social creatures. we need to be around people, to talk to people, to have a community … in order to feel fulfilled. there are very few people who would actually be content to be a hermit and i think that’s less about cultivating a lifestyle and more about personality.

so i need people. its not necessarily a fact that i need to work on myself and ill be happy. i need companionship and i need friends.

but what happens when its so hard to get friends?

i find it so hard to connect with people. it always feels like everyone else connects far more and im left on the outskirts confused and anxious on what to say. i have little to say and what i do does not interest people. coupled with the fact that im far too anxious to make the first move …

i know thats something i can work on. but it terrifies me. and the more alone i feel, the more my self esteem plummets and my depression intensifies … making it even harder for me to talk to new people

i dont mean this post to be nothing but sadness. i hoped there would be a positive note to end it on but right now im at a lost for it.

i know that my loneliness negatively impacts my ability to have relationships. because im so lonely and dont have many friends, i become dependent on a partner and become anxious, depressed, and angry if they dont meet my emotional, mental, and social needs – if they become distant or distracted or start focusing on someone else other than me. and i know if i had other people who cared about me and who i cared about, i would be able to let go of a partner and let them live their own life and wouldnt feel so perpetually insecure.

and lonely.

naive orleans

“and I finally found that life goes on without you

my world still turns when you’re not around” – “naive orleans”, anberlin

 

In those many moments when we almost broke up, it felt like the world would be over if I didn’t have him. I imagined a world without him and I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t take it. It broke my heart to think of a world of mine where he wasn’t a part of it.

We stayed together because of this desperation. This anxiety at not having him around. But after I realised that I had to end it, and once I gathered up the courage to do it and not look back, I realised that the words of this song are true. Life does go on. It always does, not matter what happens. Life went on after I no longer saw him, no longer spoke to him. I went having adventures with my friends, studying, seeing my family, going on dates. Life went on and I was alright.

 

“come and go now as you please”

 

Once you realise that life goes on after a break up … that there isn’t one person who is crucial to your world – who you couldn’t survive without – then there’s a certain coldness. Because even though it would hurt to have people leave … you know you’ll be okay. You’ll be strong and you’ll learn to have a good time in spite of it. You can enter and leave my life and I’ll still keep on going and I’ll still find happiness.

In a way, it feels heartless and sad to think like that. It feels like a piece of innocence – a piece of sensitivity gone. But in another way, that’s the only way to survive and there’s no use mourning someone who is gone. Better to appreciate and share happiness with those who are still around.

money and fashion

I take an approach to fashion that …. you know what? Life is short … so we might as well spend it looking the way we want. Yes, it’s so so important and wonderful to feel good within our own skin because ultimately that’s who we are and we’re going to have to live with the bodies we have, short of getting plastic surgery.

So yes I think that it would be a wonderful thing if we could all wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and see ourselves as beautiful.

And I think I’m getting better at this. I’m getting better at accepting my natural face and my natural body and even if I don’t always think I’m gorgeous … I can wake up and think hmm, not bad. Not bad.

There are moments when I wonder if it would have been easier being a guy. I think it’s amazing how most guys look EXACTLY the same the moment they wake up and when they’re at a formal event – they still look just as handsome! How? What is the secret? Why do my looks vary so wildly?

That aside, I think there’s nothing wrong with let’s say using makeup, and clothes and any form of body modifications if that’s how you want to look. Personally, I am fairly comfortable in my own body when I wake up but when I dress up the way I want to, I feel more myself. When I paint on my eyelashes, break out the black lipstick, style my hair, wear my dress and combat boots, or whatever I fancy that day, I adore the girl in the mirror because she’s beautiful and she feels right and she’s me as I want to be. It’s not to say I don’t love my natural self … but sometimes I just want to look different, ya know?

That said, I started writing this post to talk about how expensive fashion is. It costs so much money to look the way you want … to realize and embody your style. This isn’t a post to complain about the cost of things, in any aspect, because that’s not what I do and I understand why life is expensive (except glasses. Why are glasses half a grand? Like, why? I will never accept that).

Right now, I’m doing it slowly … slowly accumulating the fashion I like, getting rid of what I don’t and slowly getting closer to how I want to look. I want to get various piercings that together will cost more than 400 if I get them from a good place (and I wouldn’t risk a dodgy place when this is my body in question). Glasses cost a fortune for my prescription so it’s not easy to wear them as fashion because, honestly, one pair is more than I can afford. I still might get another pair, though, as I have a half price coupon so I’ll wait until after a few paydays and get an alternate from my standard.

I want to get my hair done, but I need to get it bleached in order to apply colors to it and I don’t trust myself to do it so again, it will cost at a salon.

Makeup is a decent price but it still all adds up and so do clothes (and it would be great if I lived in the US, because good quality makeup is not cheap here and many US companies don’t ship internationally). That’s not to mention shoes … anything below 50 dollars seems to fall apart after a few weeks.

In short, it’s like I am a project, so it’s a process and it takes time, but I’m excited to see it slowly coming together.

what is love?

I remember being so anxious the first time I said I love you in the romantic sense of it.

I know it may have been my overthinking tendencies but …

What if I didn’t really love? What if it was a lie?

The phrase “I love you” is so often thought of as such a big deal. Everyone talks about it … when did you first say “I love you?” Who said it first? How did they react? It’s a huge deal and there’s no other phrase (except “will you marry me?” perhaps) that means quite so much.

But I think maybe it’s dangerous and a little misguided to attribute so much weight to words.

I would feel compelled to say “I love you” but I would be scared to because I didn’t know if I meant it. I started thinking – what does it mean to say I love you? And I realised I don’t know what “love” means.

But does anyone know what love means? It can mean so many different things to different people.

I started wondering … who do I love? Do I even love anyone? Do I love my family? I say I love you to my father all the time … but do I even love him? I don’t feel a lot of love for him but what does it even mean to feel love?

Love is such an abstract concept that how are we supposed to know it if we feel it?

Maybe that means I have never loved anyone. That’s what I considered and it was a sad thing to think … to think that I don’t even love my family because I don’t FEEL anything and even if I did, I wouldn’t know what that something was and whether it was enough to be real “love”.

But I said I love you anyway to the boy. But I didn’t just say it because he said it first. I said it because I wanted to. Because they felt like the right words. But when I gave it more thought, I thought I was doing him a disservice.

I told him later, that maybe I don’t love you. That I shouldn’t have said it. That I don’t know what love is. And he was hurt. And he told me what it meant when he said he loved me and he said it meant he needed to be and he wanted to be with me forever. And that wasn’t what I meant. So I thought that it was true. I didn’t love him.

The lines are so blurry. How do you go from liking to affection to really liking to loving? Does anyone wake up one day and suddenly feel in love? If love at first sight is not possible … how does one make the transition to eventual love?

Maybe we should stop attributing so much weight to “I love you”. At the end of the day, they are just words. I’m sure I cannot be alone in being the only one scared to say it in case I don’t really mean it. Not everyone who says it means it, but if you can care for someone, support them, and make them happy, then isn’t that enough? Isn’t that an expression of something you could call love?

That’s not to say that I don’t support the idea of saying I love you, though. Far from it. I’m a huge supporter of words of affirmation. I adore them.

I realise now that I did love him. I still do.

And I know this now. I can’t look back on the intensity of it all and say that it wasn’t love … that it was infatuation, obsession, or a desire for attention. Because I care about him, I want him to be happy, and I love who he is.

I know this now but I didn’t know it then because I didn’t know if I wanted to be with him forever, or if I wanted to be with him at all, or if I loved who he was because he drove me insane and it’s true that I was starved for attention. Maybe I just thought I loved him because I wanted desperately to love SOMEONE.

Ironically, it was only in letting him go that I knew that I loved him. When I was with him, I was hesitant to say I love you, but when I left him, I could say it with complete confidence and I can say it with complete confidence now.

Because it was in letting him go that I let go of the obsession, let go of attention, of feeling special and wanted and let go of belonging. And I still love him now, and it makes me smile to think of everything he would do and everything that he is.

But if I really loved him, doesn’t that mean I would want to be with him …

But I don’t think so. I couldn’t be with him if only to make him happy because I know he deserves better. He deserves someone who really wants to be with him wholeheartedly and it would be selfish and cowardly of me to stay out of fear. But I don’t want to be with him and I don’t think that loving someone means they make you happy. That’s not to say that he didn’t make me happy but I know that overall it didn’t work and I’m happier and mentally healthier away from him. It’s not his fault, not at all. It just isn’t meant to be.

But I know that I love him because I still love him when he gives me nothing. And now that I am distant, I can think about him and love him for every little detail, even the annoying ones, because that’s who he is and it’s beautiful.

I don’t know if there’s any point to this post. That you have to let go before you know if you love someone? That love isn’t such a big deal?

I think it’s just a celebration of love.

Reviewing my courses 2017

I thought I’d write this post for fun, to let you know my personal thoughts on the courses I’ve taken in my first year at university. It’ll be interesting to read in future and may be helpful to any of you planning to study similar subjects in university. I’m studying at University of Auckland, in case anyone is interested. Not sponsored and I hope none of my lecturers/ex-lecturers see this because that would be awkward … but let’s go ahead shall we?

Semester 1

Philosophy 101 – Introduction to Logic

This is what the title says so if logic interests you, this is a solid introductory course. I’d done a little logic in high school before so I knew what to expect but if you haven’t done it before, it might be different from what you thought. It’s a bit like a cross between learning a new language and mathematics (in fact, you’ll learn propositional calculus – there’s the word calculus in the name!). It was quite interesting and easy (I found), although some parts quite basic and pedantic. I reckon it’ll become more interesting in higher stages. The lecturers are GREAT and this is pretty much the only subject this year where I attended and also paid attention to (nearly all) lectures. Would recommend. 

Compsci 101 – Principles of Programming

It’s an introduction to programming in Python. The labs and assignments were enjoyable and very useful. The lectures were painful. You can get away with reading the slides, thankfully.

Maths 108 – General Mathematics

If you’ve studied calculus in high school, you’re sweet. If you’ve never studied calculus before, believe it or not there’s hope for you, because even though this course said only enrol if you’ve completed NCEA Mathematics/Calculus Level 3, in particular the differentiation standard, and I like an idiot thought, pfft who needs background knowledge? I’ll be fine, I still passed. I still got a pretty good grade (B range). So don’t despair. You may cry a little and regret your life decisions but you’ll make it. The content is super interesting (once you understand it) and there are some great lecturers (e.g. Igor). Tutors are super helpful (helps if you have some idea what you’re doing though and don’t just go to them with all the questions of the assignment, because they’ll ask, what have you got so far, and you’ll just stare blankly. I totally do not have personal experience with this). 

Stats 101 – Introduction to Statistics

Most boring course in the history of boring (especially if you’ve already studied stats in year 13). Take it if it’s a required course for your major or you need statistics for your field. DO NOT take it for fun. 

Semester 2

Psychology 108 – Individual, Social, and Applied Psychology 

An intro to social development, social and cultural psychology, personality and intelligence, and clinical psych. I’m not sure how accurately what you briefly learn in each of these fields reflects what study is like in each field, because I haven’t taken second year yet so I can only speak on what I thought of the teaching of this course. I found it fairly basic and surface level and most aspects boring, if I’m being honest. We have great lecturers and tutors, but the content didn’t do it for me. I am still keen to continue with personality and intelligence and clinical psychology and did find these parts of the course more engaging so it’s likely just my personal preference. Labs are super chill and great if you have a friend in them. I apologize to my tutor Sam for being a terrible person in tutorials and hope he didn’t notice too much. 

Psychology 109 – Mind, Brain, and Behaviour 

I enjoy this course much more than Psych 108 and it’s more challenging. I really enjoyed the memory and language modules, as well as perception, emotion, and consciousness. Again, there are great lecturers and tutors and the info is not difficult to understand … there’s just quite a bit to memorise so do not cram. 

Drama 100 – Taking the Stage: Performance and Presentation Skills

Very good lecturer… it IS a course on presentation skills after all. Nice variation of assignments and workshops were really fun. I wish there was more workshop time to develop practical skills, but I understand, ”tis a university course. 

English 109 – Drama on Stage and Screen

I didn’t really enjoy this course which disappointed me because I am an English nerd. I think I prefer academic English to academic drama which may partly explain why this course didn’t wow me. It was interesting and there were some really good texts but I guess the lecturers didn’t go in depth with most of the texts and it seemed like rather shallow analysis. I suppose we are supposed to do the analysis ourselves. In general, it reminded me a little of English in high school which while I did enjoy I found quite shallow at times. I LOVED scholarship English and was hoping university English would be more similar to it, as I’d been told it would. 

***

So those were my courses, folks. Yes I took quite a variation because I switched major in second semester (and am planning on switching back so there’s that!). All in all, my courses were good but I didn’t really love them in general and definitely found my year 13 and scholarship studies more engaging. I’m hoping second and third years will be more interesting since we’ll be getting much more of the depth and focus which I’ve felt has been lacking. 

I should also mention that this year has been rough socially and in terms of mental health so I didn’t really make use of office hours and such so that also didn’t help my experience with the courses. Again, hoping to change that next year. 

I’m excited! 

energy

I feel such a burst of energy right now but I know this is not going to last. I don’t mean, it will fade in thirty minutes and I will fall asleep (since it is 1:30 in the morning right now) then I’ll have it again as long as I get enough sleep. No, I mean, it will fade in a few hours, or a few days, or a few weeks and then I don’t know when it will come back … it will be a gamble and all I can do is hope hope that this energy will tide me over exams and that when it does fade, it won’t leave me alone for too long. 

As a creator, you can’t rely on inspiration. I get that. It’s too fickle. But am I naive to wish you could at least rely on energy? 

But who’s to say I won’t lose all my mental energy and become dead and flat again … maybe after I go to sleep and wake up?  And even though I still force myself to be productive in that state because, well, I have to, it feels like trudging through sludge and I’m working at maybe a tenth of what I work at when I have energy – energy like in times like these.

And believe me, I’m truly grateful for times like these because this clarity feels so freeing. 

fear and ambition

I’ve talked about struggling with a lack of motivation and a desire for greatness. It’s a terrible combination.

But I’m here today to talk about a different aspect of ambition … it’s partly linked to my previous post. I’m talking about fear and ambition.

I have many goals I want to achieve and possible career paths to follow and knowledge I want to attain and ideas I want to realize. But so many of them require a huge amount of hard work, knowledge, talent, creativity, and effort.

And I think, I can’t possibly expect that I can gain that knowledge and that I have that talent and creativity and that I’ll be able to put in that hard work and effort.

I’ll leave it to someone else to do it … someone better, more qualified than I am.

And it’s partly motivated by laziness, this impulse, but it’s also motivated by fear.

Because … what if I can’t EVEN if I try?

Wouldn’t that be the most demoralizing? So it’s better to just not try.

Excuses. They’re all excuses.

I find it very hard to believe in myself. I am afraid … fucking terrified … that I can’t achieve anything that I wish. I know I won’t achieve everything because there simply isn’t enough time. But I’m terrified that I won’t be able to achieve just one. I’m terrified of the confirmation of my own incompetence.

But you know what? Fuck that fear. It’s pride. I don’t want to see how lousy I can be. But trying will do nothing for my goals other than bring me closer to them. Maybe I still won’t reach them but what’s the harm in that if I wasn’t even going to try in the first place?

I want to shoot for the stars. Goddamit I really do. I always have. But I shy away from it because I’m a coward and I’m proud and yes, I’m really fucking lazy and I lack resilience and I lack willpower.

But I’m still here and I’m still dreaming … in the rare moments when I forget myself and let myself dream.

So today I make the resolve to stop letting realism dictate my actions. I’ve always been a rather practical realistic person. It’s always been about what is possible and what is probable and what I can expect. And I really thought, I’m just being realistic and that’s a good thing because it saves me from disappointment.

No, it doesn’t. Because I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed at how much I think I need to limit myself and at how much I let myself be limited.

I can be a bit of an all or nothing girl. So if I’m going to have a goal … I want to have confidence in it or I simply won’t do it. Because I don’t have confidence, I need something else to put all into … I need some other 100 percent. For me, that has to be determination. That means putting my all into it. I don’t want to put in all and receive nothing to show for it.

If I choose a smaller goal, I could put in all and be sure to receive something to show for it.

At the end of the day, we all have one life. We can choose how we spend it. And yet, I think that if we’re going to die anyway, maybe it doesn’t really matter so much if we don’t reap rewards.

I would rather risk it and know that I chanced that my all was enough.