It’s hard to be alone. I used to be an expert at it. All I wanted was quiet and peace and my own thoughts in my own head. I could sit in my room for hours, studying, writing, reading, and thinking. I was the kid who’d be glad to be sent to her room as punishment.
But now it’s painful. Sometimes I do wish i won’t see anyone I know so I can just plug in my headphones and listen in blissful tranquility. Watch the roads go by on the bus or the train instead of making small talk. Being so in the moment as to just breathe in the cold air and eat the city streets with my eyes.
But I’m scared of being alone. Because it’s when it’s just me and my mind that the darkness comes creeping in. There’s nothing to come between it … nothing to distract me from an existential crisis, nothing to make me more physical and less mental.
I feel so lonely. I miss having a friend to laugh with, talk about sweet nothings. I miss hugs. I miss feeling like a part of a group instead of an outsider. Other people laughing together stings.
I wish I could be at peace with being alone. I wish I could be at peace with my own thoughts. I wish I could appreciate doing and being nothing but alive.