i feel it so acutely
this loneliness closing in on me
even when im in a room with another person, i still feel alone
i have few friends … few people who actually care to talk and much fewer who actually care to meet up
and of those who will, there are even fewer that i feel an actual connection with
there are few where our conversation is 100 percent natural and not stilted and perfect
i can feel so alone even around a person
because it doesnt feel like they care. theyre in their own little world, on their phone, watching a video, or talking to someone else … i feel a sense like – why am i even here? im not adding anything to their life and they dont care that im here. do i care that theyre here? and if we dont … how is that different from being alone?
im yearning – always – to feel not alone anymore. to feel belonging. to feel love. to feel companionship. to feel camaraderie. to feel togetherness.
i know that i use sex as a way to feel less alone
it’s not my only reason for having sex, of course
but i know that it helps and i know it probably isnt a healthy thing. i use dating, hookups, and flirting with strangers online to feel some semblance of not aloneness. because …
those are the people who will reply when i message
they are the people who are interested in what i have to say – or at least they pretend to be interested? if they are not actually
they are people who will actually invest their time and energy and will actually care to meet up with me and not flake last minute
and i hate that that’s how it is, even while i understand why
sometimes it makes me wonder if the only thing i have to offer of any worth to other people is my body …
it feels like that’s the only way i can keep someone’s attention
its that one on one attention that i crave for it makes me feel not alone anymore. i feel like i have a friend – someone who cares for me and who i care about too and someone to share my life with and to share their life with me. someone who notices i exist and wants to be a part of my life.
is it true? that my body is all that keeps people around?
my best friend keeps me sane. i know she is my friend for my mind and for the times we have together.
i guess i wish i could find a significant other like that
i like people but i wish they gave more of a shit about me
sometimes i wonder if i have it all backwards. that i need to learn to be happy and content with being by myself. i cant rely on someone else to make me not feel lonely.
but i dont know how to do that and is that something i should?
we’re humans. we’re naturally social creatures. we need to be around people, to talk to people, to have a community … in order to feel fulfilled. there are very few people who would actually be content to be a hermit and i think that’s less about cultivating a lifestyle and more about personality.
so i need people. its not necessarily a fact that i need to work on myself and ill be happy. i need companionship and i need friends.
but what happens when its so hard to get friends?
i find it so hard to connect with people. it always feels like everyone else connects far more and im left on the outskirts confused and anxious on what to say. i have little to say and what i do does not interest people. coupled with the fact that im far too anxious to make the first move …
i know thats something i can work on. but it terrifies me. and the more alone i feel, the more my self esteem plummets and my depression intensifies … making it even harder for me to talk to new people
i dont mean this post to be nothing but sadness. i hoped there would be a positive note to end it on but right now im at a lost for it.
i know that my loneliness negatively impacts my ability to have relationships. because im so lonely and dont have many friends, i become dependent on a partner and become anxious, depressed, and angry if they dont meet my emotional, mental, and social needs – if they become distant or distracted or start focusing on someone else other than me. and i know if i had other people who cared about me and who i cared about, i would be able to let go of a partner and let them live their own life and wouldnt feel so perpetually insecure.