strengths

i took this quiz a few days ago that finds your top strengths. i admit, i was a bit nervous as i filled in my answers because it was quite clear from each question whether it represented a strength or a weakness – and my answers definitely tended toward weakness.

but i got my results anyway and they have a ring of truth. i can see them in me – sometimes. i can see them in my optimum, mentally stable self, but i can even see them in my worse self. i thought it would be interesting to examine them here

my top strength was LOVE OF LEARNING. i like that because i need not pretend i am a virtuous person to have a strength. i am not a disciplined person at all. i may be one of the laziest people around. but i get tired of doing nothing eventually.

it always feels like theres too much i want to learn and know and not enough time. i wonder why i dont take more advantage of my hunger for knowledge. i want to learn new skills and gain knowledge but im reluctant to always put in the effort. however, sometimes i end up learning anyway just by living, and thats a wonderful feeling

my second strength was HONESTY. thats a bit hilarious when you think about it, considering how often i lie (and im not bad at it, if i do say so myself). i hate it about myself but sometimes its just easier to lie than to start conflict and i hate confrontation. however, im getting better at this. and while i do lie about things that would cause major conflict, im not afraid of smaller conflicts or potentially offending a stranger or acquaintance so i tend to be quite blunt about everything else.

the results page also says that honesty includes presenting oneself in a genuine way and acting sincerely and taking responsibility for one’s feelings and actions. i think im always a bit anxious about being “fake”. maybe a bit too anxious. i dont want to be someone im not and i may overcompensate a little but thats still interesting that i seem to be succeeding? and for all my faults, i do believe i am self aware and can at least recognise when i behave badly, even if i dont always do anything to change it

the third strength was JUDGEMENT which at first made me panic a bit because i always try to be as nonjudgmental of others as i can. but reading the description, its not about judging others but about thinking things through, not jumping to conclusions, considering all sides and weighing evidence fairly, and being able to change one’s mind in light of said evidence. in essence, it’s the opposite of being overly judgmental. it has a ring of empathy to it. and that made me very happy to see it on my list of strengths.

although i suppose what with my love for introspection and pros and cons lists, it would be disappointing if i DIDNT manage to make this a strength.

the fourth strength was APPRECIATION OF BEAUTY AND EXCELLENCE. im glad this was included as a strength because this is my creed and one of my main motives for life itself. there is so much beauty in the world and it makes life worth living.

the other strengths that followed also felt right to me in their progression. all in all the test was a bit of a reassurance for me and an interesting window into an aspect of my own identity

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happy place

in the quest to be content with being alone, an absolute necessity is to find your happy place.

i didnt think id be writing this post. if i was looking for quite a sickeningly positive term, the opposite of the melancholy personality i profess to have and separate from my romanticising of sadness, i couldnt do better. i cringe to type out happy place, even as i cringe at my self absorption. which is why im writing this post, because ive come to the realisation that for me depression is a bit of a revel. A revel in sadness and suicidal thoughts. And its a bit like an addiction. Doesn’t feel great but its easy to get stuck in it.

a happy place grounds you into reality. keeps you there. makes you realise that there’s color in the world if you can only keep your mind at peace for long enough.

my happy place is sitting down in a cool room in front of a computer and pounding my thoughts out, with music blaring in my ears

my happy place is walking in the city streets and feeling the cool air on my skin and a drink in my hand

my happy place is cooking good food and eating it and tidying and cleaning my apartment until its something i can say im proud to have worked for

my happy place is what makes me feel that i could be alone, all alone in the world, and i would be ok. it’s what makes me feel like there is love, wonder, and beauty within me. within my own heart. and thats not all i want. but enough to survive.

these places ground me. they make me know in my heart that im not ready to die. even if this was all there was (and i know its not … oh how i know that theres more for me in store), i dont want to leave. i want to read one more book, drink one more drink, write one more thought, and discover one more thing about myself.

or two. or a hundred

pass

it passes as I knew. All good things must come to an end. Oh, you naive naive girl. Not that you didn’t know it would happen. Oh you knew. You knew it so well in your bones. The high never lasts.

But I had hoped and believed that maybe it would last more than three weeks. I don’t want to be ungrateful. Three weeks is better than three days just like three days is better than three hours and three hours is better than three minutes and three minutes better than three seconds and three seconds better than nothing.

Every time, I feel the hands wringing the tears out of my soaked heart but, every time, I’m at a loss anew. You would think that I would have learned to deal with this. But every time, it hurts as much as it did. My throats catches and it’s hard to swallow. I need someone to hold my heart and hold my hand and yet I cannot share the pain. I get angry when I only want to be comforted.

wish i could pass on this

press restart

Maybe it’s not an ending

Maybe it’s a beginning

-WALK THE MOON

I’m obsessed with new beginnings. New Years is always such a marker for me. It means new horizons, new opportunities, and starting afresh. It means a new school year, new friends, new adventures, new goals, and new chances to always be successful. It means the possibility for a new identity and a new destiny.

Yet this year I don’t feel any significance to today. New Year’s party was a good time but it was more an excuse to have a party and meet with friends than anything else. I haven’t made New Years resolutions and I don’t believe I will. My only resolutions this year are to be braver and do the things I want rather than let anything get in the way. And maybe that statement half explains why I haven’t made resolutions this year: because what matters to me is doing what I want to do, rather than writing a list of to dos that a few months from now might not be current or relevant to where I’m going and what I want anymore.

As for a fresh start, I suppose I use the New Year as an excuse to start over. But what exactly am I starting over? The only thing that restarts is in my head. And if that’s the case, there’s no reason that this cannot happen any time of the year. But a new year lets me make that mental shift seem natural and right.

2017 was a year of many restarts. They happened because life happened and life doesn’t conform to dates on a calendar. I had plans that abruptly had to be changed. I had big changes smack dab in the middle of terms. I lost people and met new people and couldn’t have predicted or controlled when that happened. In December, I got to a point where, I suppose for the first December in my life, I felt satisfied with my life and didn’t feel that urge to wipe away the past.

Don’t get me wrong. I would dearly like 2018 to be very different from how 2017 went.

But I suppose changes are going to happen if I need or want them to happen and when it’s relevant and I really cannot expect that to conform to neat tidy numbers. And although change happens, some things stay the same and right now, I’m happy that way.