i never thought i would be writing this post but here i am
i think this is mostly catharsis but a small part of me hopes that someone in this situation may somehow stumble on this post and realize what i didnt.
but i feel like i must write it because i am so so angry still. and i hope this brings healing
so i used to date a boy. we were together for five to six months officially and involved for seven. ive written about the break up on this blog. cried about it. gotten over it.
looking back, im amazed by how unhealthy the relationship was.
to begin with, i did not want a relationship with him. we started off as friends with benefits but i realized that he wanted to be more.
however, i became pretty dependent on him, having become more distant from high school friends and failing to make new ones in uni, so i convinced myself that i did want a relationship and we would work out, even though my brain knew well before that
- i was not ready for a relationship and wanted to be single for a while longer
- if i did get in a relationship, it wouldn’t be with him. i wasn’t physically attracted to him and i knew our personalities did not match too well
but we got into a relationship that became increasingly codependent. im not 100 percent sure on his emotions, but i know that for mine, the relationship was incredibly intense. i would miss him intensely even when i had just seen him and he would tell me the same.
i became dependent on him for happiness because i was very depressed and lonely. however, after a while even he couldn’t make me happy anymore. i was extremely down, and every time he would socialize, i would feel so very inadequate, comparing myself to him. then when i was depressed, he would feel inadequate for not being able to cure my depression. he wasnt able to handle my mental illness. i cannot blame him for that at all. in this narrative, it is very much on me that i got into this relationship (my first serious one) knowing that it was not right for me and would inevitably end.
however, there were things that were not my fault and i cannot believe did not signal huge red flags in my head.
things such as him telling his friends about my depression which was insensitive.
things such as him telling both his friends and mutuals many details about our sex life even after i asked him not to do this
things such as him lying to friends about me.
things such as lying to me about his number of past sexual partners.
things like slut shaming a coworker
things like blatantly disregarding my sexual boundaries after i told him of them many many times
this is what gets to me
i cannot believe that i stayed in a relationship for as long as i did with someone who disrespected my wishes as much and as plainly as he did. i guess in my head i thought it was my fault for not being clear enough. it’s not that he wouldnt stop if i screamed no, stop! when he did and it’s not that he wouldnt stop if i struggled. it’s just that i’d say no and then two minutes later he would do it again. it’s just that id later message him, please dont do this, it really upsets and bothers me, and he’d agree, then the next time we met, it was like our conversation didnt happen.
i wanted to make him happy and i was so tired of telling him to stop, over and over again.
it was only after being with two other partners that i discovered the radical idea that there are men who will only do things with you that you explicitly and enthusiastically consent to, and you can have boundaries without losing a man, and there are people who will wholeheartedly and lovingly care and respect for you. in all aspects of life – not just outside the bedroom.
it still makes me so angry thinking about it. i know it is in the past and i need to forgive. i dont consider myself to have been molested or abused. but i would say i was taken advantage of and definitely disrespected and i feel awful thinking about it – thinking of how i let this happen and how horrible and dirty and violated i felt when and after it did. it shouldn’t have been like that. i still feel horrible thinking about it and affects me still with my comfort with aspects of sex, my trust, and my mental health
so again, i just want to say to anyone who may be reading this … if anything in your relationship seems wrong, if there is more pain and tears than happiness, and if you are only staying because you cannot bear leaving, then please please reevaluate. And if your partner ever disregards your boundaries even after you’ve made them clear, do not let codependency keep you there. you will be ok and someday you will feel so much better after you’ve left the unhealthy situation.