surrender

Another night in my new skin
Throw emotion to the wind
Just try to find a face that make me feel something

so. its the eighth night. it still feels so strange. and yet, you also feel so so far away. like knowing you was a dream.

im still the same person but in some ways, it does feel like a new skin. my life has changed. ive started doing new things to keep my mind busy: write more. go to club events more. study more.

im tempted to start finding hook-ups or dates. why? i guess i feel lonely. and there feels like theres something missing in my life. although i try to fill the hole of you with self betterment, it still feels empty. im not sure if they would bring me any joy though. could i find a face that makes me feel something?

i dont want to feel anything like i feel for you. no, that wouldnt be fair to you. but … i want to feel something. that would be better than feeling empty.

I’ve been trying to keep my distance
(I still need you, I still need you)
So hard to keep my distance
(I still need you, I still need you)

i have kept my distance but it hasnt been easy. no. these lines convey the inner struggle better than i could. i want to tell you so many things. i see a funny picture and i want to show it to you. i find new things every day that i think would interest you. i want to look good for you and i want you to see when i look good. i dont care if other people see me. youre the one i want to blow away.

And you make me want to stay
Cause you look so good
But I know you babe, and this can’t wait
Not one more touch
One more drink
One more minute
One more night

So I surrender
This is the moment I surrender

neither of us wanted to leave each other. i didnt want the evening to end. then i didnt want the night to end. then i had to make the morning last a little longer. and yet the end had to come. the last night together, the last kiss, the last word. the last drink, the last minute, the last night together. i feel so much grief and truth in these words. “one more….” it always leads to more than one. is it ever the last? i think our consolation came from the fact that we promised ourselves that it wouldnt be the last time. but we dont know that. maybe we have just put off the inevitable. maybe we have said – one more night. maybe it goes on and on until we die. or alternatively, maybe one more night never comes.

what does it mean to surrender? to surrender is to give up or relinquish. we gave up the “us” that we were fighting for. surrendering is not always bad. sometimes something is not worth fighting for … not worth the casualties. sometimes it is better to give up than get hurt in the struggle.

this is what the writer of this song wrote: “The idea of surrender, to me, has two sides. It can mean accepting defeat, or something more positive and mysterious: acknowledging something greater than yourself, like trusting in the flow of life.”

that is beautiful.

Now all the shapes I know are gone
Charts and maps I’ve drawn just get me lost
And I’m falling off the edge

what does life without you mean? thats what i have to figure out now.

Not one more kiss
Not one more fix

love does feel a bit like an addiction. so i guess these are the withdrawal effects. and nothing feels quite as strong as the drug.

So send me back a thousand days
That first night at your old place
And tell me how it ends
I’d do it all again

these lines break my heart every time. i am so happy that i met you. you have made me the happiest i have ever been in my life. you have shown me what it means to be truly happy. i learned to trust and i told you everything, even my darkest secrets. and every time, you were there for me. you have shown me what it means to be truly loved. the year with you was filled with so much joy and laughter. yes, oh yes, it is better to love and lose.

i dont regret the past at all. and i would do it all again, knowing that we would reach this point … of course i would.

If all that I could ever be was the best ex-lover of your life

i surrender.

its been a week

its been a week and ive cried once

i think it would be better to bawl my eyes out

im not happy. i feel empty without you. it feels like something is missing from my life. my day ends and youre not there to meet me … to call me … to ask me how my day is. i dont feel that rush when my phone buzzes because it isnt your name on the phone.

but i cant cry. i dont feel that soul crushing world ending heartbreak.

i just feel empty.

maybe this is what grief feels like.

i dont deserve to cry. thats what i think sometimes. of course this was my idea. i wish i could be strong for you. i wish i could be selfless for you. i wish i could forget myself.

love is about wanting what is best for the other person. i dont know if this is what is best for you. i told you that we should break up because i couldnt take it. i wasnt strong enough to deal with what you were and are going through. at least, not strong enough if it means that you cannot be fully present and there for me.

i dont want to put unnecessary strain on you. so maybe its better for you too. or maybe thats just what i tell myself to make me feel less guilty. because at the end of the day i wasnt selfless enough. does this mean i didnt love you? or that i love myself more? is that ok? can you forgive me?

i know you said that you dont blame me. but do you really mean it?

it is hard to think that this was the right decision when life is so much less bright without you. yet, in my heart, i feel that it was. even despite missing you every second. im not sure why i feel that way.

well i suppose this is my second time crying.

its been a week. but it feels like its been forever.

what do you see when you look at me?

sometimes i look at myself and all i see is mess.

if you knew me from my blog or my twitter or my instagram, im sure that is what you might see.

however, if you knew me in real life, you might have quite a different picture.

i am not sure how to clearly imagine the image of myself that i present to the public. i try to appear calm and collected and cool. i try not to do anything too stupid. sometimes, my tempers flares out and you may see glimpses of it. sometimes, my softness and my humor flares out and you may see me smile or giggle.

sometimes i am honest and vulnerable. sometimes i am quiet and say nothing because i am anxious or i have nothing to say to you. sometimes i am polite. sometimes i am loud and obnoxious.

to some people, it seems i have my life together. to some people, they see a student. they see a worker. they see a success. to some people, they see a friend, a daughter, or a lover. to some people, they see a loner, a weirdo, a stranger.

but whoever you see, it is only ever a facet of who i am

i am a mess and i am also everything else that you might perceive

but if whatever facet you have seen seems to have intrigued you … if you are not afraid of my mess … then i welcome you to explore more closely and see the other parts of me so that, with your leave, i can become more than a word …

i can become a person

jealousy

i like to think that i am usually not a jealous person. however, recently, there is one area that has been getting to me. that area is travel. every time i see someone post their travel pictures on social media and whenever i hear people talk about the amazing places they’ve explored around the world, the happiness i want to be feeling for them is clouded by my own disappointment that that wasn’t me.

ive realised that feelings of jealousy that i have are because i dont feel completely fulfilled in myself.

in this case, i want to be a person who travels to many places and sees sights all around the world. or at least, i want to be someone who at least explores her own country. and i haven’t done that. i see other people being the person that i want to be, while i feel i am wasting time now that could be spent seeing the world.

however, there are reasons that i am not that person yet. i am focusing on my studies. i am making more money so i can go on travels in the future. i have not met someone to travel with and am wary of travelling alone for safety reasons – also, it would be fun to share my adventures with others. i dont have a driver’s license or car so i cannot go on a road-trip or see many relatively nearby sights by myself and again i dont have someone to go with. these are all valid reasons.

i need to become ok with the person i am now.

i think a key part of that is remembering: everyone is at different stages in their journey through life.

i dont need to be doing everything i want to do right now. i dont have to be the ultimate person that i want to be right now. that make seem a little contradictory. what about the whole “life is short” philosophy that you could die tomorrow so be the person who want to be and live the life you dream of TODAY? ……………but no. i disagree. i have so many hopes and dreams that could fill a whole lifetime. i often fear that i will have no time in my life to accomplish all of them (but that is a post for another day). but that is just to say that of course i cannot do everything right now. moreover, i am still growing. i am growing into my self. i am growing into my identity. i am growing through learning skills all the time that will help me (both practically and emotionally) to go on journeys one day that i today can only dream of. i am allowed to take time. i am allowed to grow.

right now, i am working toward my dream job. that is a valid goal. i am learning many things every day through university and through reading and watching and listening. i am saying yes to opportunities within my field of scope. i am trying new things within what i can. i am working a job related to my field that i enjoy and allows me to survive. i am learning to be more creative. i am talking to people. i am breathing. i deserve to breathe and rest too. i do not always have to be doing and striving.

that is just to remind myself that … my time will come. i have not reached that stage of travel yet but that does not mean i am not still exploring in different ways and i know i will reach that stage eventually.