jealousy

i like to think that i am usually not a jealous person. however, recently, there is one area that has been getting to me. that area is travel. every time i see someone post their travel pictures on social media and whenever i hear people talk about the amazing places they’ve explored around the world, the happiness i want to be feeling for them is clouded by my own disappointment that that wasn’t me.

ive realised that feelings of jealousy that i have are because i dont feel completely fulfilled in myself.

in this case, i want to be a person who travels to many places and sees sights all around the world. or at least, i want to be someone who at least explores her own country. and i haven’t done that. i see other people being the person that i want to be, while i feel i am wasting time now that could be spent seeing the world.

however, there are reasons that i am not that person yet. i am focusing on my studies. i am making more money so i can go on travels in the future. i have not met someone to travel with and am wary of travelling alone for safety reasons – also, it would be fun to share my adventures with others. i dont have a driver’s license or car so i cannot go on a road-trip or see many relatively nearby sights by myself and again i dont have someone to go with. these are all valid reasons.

i need to become ok with the person i am now.

i think a key part of that is remembering: everyone is at different stages in their journey through life.

i dont need to be doing everything i want to do right now. i dont have to be the ultimate person that i want to be right now. that make seem a little contradictory. what about the whole “life is short” philosophy that you could die tomorrow so be the person who want to be and live the life you dream of TODAY? ……………but no. i disagree. i have so many hopes and dreams that could fill a whole lifetime. i often fear that i will have no time in my life to accomplish all of them (but that is a post for another day). but that is just to say that of course i cannot do everything right now. moreover, i am still growing. i am growing into my self. i am growing into my identity. i am growing through learning skills all the time that will help me (both practically and emotionally) to go on journeys one day that i today can only dream of. i am allowed to take time. i am allowed to grow.

right now, i am working toward my dream job. that is a valid goal. i am learning many things every day through university and through reading and watching and listening. i am saying yes to opportunities within my field of scope. i am trying new things within what i can. i am working a job related to my field that i enjoy and allows me to survive. i am learning to be more creative. i am talking to people. i am breathing. i deserve to breathe and rest too. i do not always have to be doing and striving.

that is just to remind myself that … my time will come. i have not reached that stage of travel yet but that does not mean i am not still exploring in different ways and i know i will reach that stage eventually.

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