its been a week

its been a week and ive cried once

i think it would be better to bawl my eyes out

im not happy. i feel empty without you. it feels like something is missing from my life. my day ends and youre not there to meet me … to call me … to ask me how my day is. i dont feel that rush when my phone buzzes because it isnt your name on the phone.

but i cant cry. i dont feel that soul crushing world ending heartbreak.

i just feel empty.

maybe this is what grief feels like.

i dont deserve to cry. thats what i think sometimes. of course this was my idea. i wish i could be strong for you. i wish i could be selfless for you. i wish i could forget myself.

love is about wanting what is best for the other person. i dont know if this is what is best for you. i told you that we should break up because i couldnt take it. i wasnt strong enough to deal with what you were and are going through. at least, not strong enough if it means that you cannot be fully present and there for me.

i dont want to put unnecessary strain on you. so maybe its better for you too. or maybe thats just what i tell myself to make me feel less guilty. because at the end of the day i wasnt selfless enough. does this mean i didnt love you? or that i love myself more? is that ok? can you forgive me?

i know you said that you dont blame me. but do you really mean it?

it is hard to think that this was the right decision when life is so much less bright without you. yet, in my heart, i feel that it was. even despite missing you every second. im not sure why i feel that way.

well i suppose this is my second time crying.

its been a week. but it feels like its been forever.

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