cooking

The other day, I was doing what minimal cooking I do. And this was one of the things that somehow hit the hardest. It reminded me of the life I had imagined for my love and myself. Yes, I do have a desire for a nicer cooking space and the time and energy to cook healthy meals every night. But all of that in my mind was so entwined with the image of my future with someone else.

We were going to get a lovely place together with a nice kitchen. So in this fantasy, we would cook meals together. My vision of the future has me very much as a working woman and I am as far from domesticated as they come. However, one of these fantasies is me cooking dinner for the boy I love and he could come home to it or he could watch me make it and try to interrupt me by giving me a hug and poking me, as you do.

I suppose the simple art of cooking represents something bigger for me. It reflects the bliss of having your own space to share with your favorite person. It reflects a place I would truly call home. Living with him was something I truly looked forward to and longed for. Every time I lay alone in my bed at night or we went another week without seeing, I imagined, what would it be like to come home every day to your love? What would it be like to have lives so entwined that feeding and taking care of them is like a form of lovemaking?

surrender

Another night in my new skin
Throw emotion to the wind
Just try to find a face that make me feel something

so. its the eighth night. it still feels so strange. and yet, you also feel so so far away. like knowing you was a dream.

im still the same person but in some ways, it does feel like a new skin. my life has changed. ive started doing new things to keep my mind busy: write more. go to club events more. study more.

im tempted to start finding hook-ups or dates. why? i guess i feel lonely. and there feels like theres something missing in my life. although i try to fill the hole of you with self betterment, it still feels empty. im not sure if they would bring me any joy though. could i find a face that makes me feel something?

i dont want to feel anything like i feel for you. no, that wouldnt be fair to you. but … i want to feel something. that would be better than feeling empty.

I’ve been trying to keep my distance
(I still need you, I still need you)
So hard to keep my distance
(I still need you, I still need you)

i have kept my distance but it hasnt been easy. no. these lines convey the inner struggle better than i could. i want to tell you so many things. i see a funny picture and i want to show it to you. i find new things every day that i think would interest you. i want to look good for you and i want you to see when i look good. i dont care if other people see me. youre the one i want to blow away.

And you make me want to stay
Cause you look so good
But I know you babe, and this can’t wait
Not one more touch
One more drink
One more minute
One more night

So I surrender
This is the moment I surrender

neither of us wanted to leave each other. i didnt want the evening to end. then i didnt want the night to end. then i had to make the morning last a little longer. and yet the end had to come. the last night together, the last kiss, the last word. the last drink, the last minute, the last night together. i feel so much grief and truth in these words. “one more….” it always leads to more than one. is it ever the last? i think our consolation came from the fact that we promised ourselves that it wouldnt be the last time. but we dont know that. maybe we have just put off the inevitable. maybe we have said – one more night. maybe it goes on and on until we die. or alternatively, maybe one more night never comes.

what does it mean to surrender? to surrender is to give up or relinquish. we gave up the “us” that we were fighting for. surrendering is not always bad. sometimes something is not worth fighting for … not worth the casualties. sometimes it is better to give up than get hurt in the struggle.

this is what the writer of this song wrote: “The idea of surrender, to me, has two sides. It can mean accepting defeat, or something more positive and mysterious: acknowledging something greater than yourself, like trusting in the flow of life.”

that is beautiful.

Now all the shapes I know are gone
Charts and maps I’ve drawn just get me lost
And I’m falling off the edge

what does life without you mean? thats what i have to figure out now.

Not one more kiss
Not one more fix

love does feel a bit like an addiction. so i guess these are the withdrawal effects. and nothing feels quite as strong as the drug.

So send me back a thousand days
That first night at your old place
And tell me how it ends
I’d do it all again

these lines break my heart every time. i am so happy that i met you. you have made me the happiest i have ever been in my life. you have shown me what it means to be truly happy. i learned to trust and i told you everything, even my darkest secrets. and every time, you were there for me. you have shown me what it means to be truly loved. the year with you was filled with so much joy and laughter. yes, oh yes, it is better to love and lose.

i dont regret the past at all. and i would do it all again, knowing that we would reach this point … of course i would.

If all that I could ever be was the best ex-lover of your life

i surrender.

its been a week

its been a week and ive cried once

i think it would be better to bawl my eyes out

im not happy. i feel empty without you. it feels like something is missing from my life. my day ends and youre not there to meet me … to call me … to ask me how my day is. i dont feel that rush when my phone buzzes because it isnt your name on the phone.

but i cant cry. i dont feel that soul crushing world ending heartbreak.

i just feel empty.

maybe this is what grief feels like.

i dont deserve to cry. thats what i think sometimes. of course this was my idea. i wish i could be strong for you. i wish i could be selfless for you. i wish i could forget myself.

love is about wanting what is best for the other person. i dont know if this is what is best for you. i told you that we should break up because i couldnt take it. i wasnt strong enough to deal with what you were and are going through. at least, not strong enough if it means that you cannot be fully present and there for me.

i dont want to put unnecessary strain on you. so maybe its better for you too. or maybe thats just what i tell myself to make me feel less guilty. because at the end of the day i wasnt selfless enough. does this mean i didnt love you? or that i love myself more? is that ok? can you forgive me?

i know you said that you dont blame me. but do you really mean it?

it is hard to think that this was the right decision when life is so much less bright without you. yet, in my heart, i feel that it was. even despite missing you every second. im not sure why i feel that way.

well i suppose this is my second time crying.

its been a week. but it feels like its been forever.

what do you see when you look at me?

sometimes i look at myself and all i see is mess.

if you knew me from my blog or my twitter or my instagram, im sure that is what you might see.

however, if you knew me in real life, you might have quite a different picture.

i am not sure how to clearly imagine the image of myself that i present to the public. i try to appear calm and collected and cool. i try not to do anything too stupid. sometimes, my tempers flares out and you may see glimpses of it. sometimes, my softness and my humor flares out and you may see me smile or giggle.

sometimes i am honest and vulnerable. sometimes i am quiet and say nothing because i am anxious or i have nothing to say to you. sometimes i am polite. sometimes i am loud and obnoxious.

to some people, it seems i have my life together. to some people, they see a student. they see a worker. they see a success. to some people, they see a friend, a daughter, or a lover. to some people, they see a loner, a weirdo, a stranger.

but whoever you see, it is only ever a facet of who i am

i am a mess and i am also everything else that you might perceive

but if whatever facet you have seen seems to have intrigued you … if you are not afraid of my mess … then i welcome you to explore more closely and see the other parts of me so that, with your leave, i can become more than a word …

i can become a person

jealousy

i like to think that i am usually not a jealous person. however, recently, there is one area that has been getting to me. that area is travel. every time i see someone post their travel pictures on social media and whenever i hear people talk about the amazing places they’ve explored around the world, the happiness i want to be feeling for them is clouded by my own disappointment that that wasn’t me.

ive realised that feelings of jealousy that i have are because i dont feel completely fulfilled in myself.

in this case, i want to be a person who travels to many places and sees sights all around the world. or at least, i want to be someone who at least explores her own country. and i haven’t done that. i see other people being the person that i want to be, while i feel i am wasting time now that could be spent seeing the world.

however, there are reasons that i am not that person yet. i am focusing on my studies. i am making more money so i can go on travels in the future. i have not met someone to travel with and am wary of travelling alone for safety reasons – also, it would be fun to share my adventures with others. i dont have a driver’s license or car so i cannot go on a road-trip or see many relatively nearby sights by myself and again i dont have someone to go with. these are all valid reasons.

i need to become ok with the person i am now.

i think a key part of that is remembering: everyone is at different stages in their journey through life.

i dont need to be doing everything i want to do right now. i dont have to be the ultimate person that i want to be right now. that make seem a little contradictory. what about the whole “life is short” philosophy that you could die tomorrow so be the person who want to be and live the life you dream of TODAY? ……………but no. i disagree. i have so many hopes and dreams that could fill a whole lifetime. i often fear that i will have no time in my life to accomplish all of them (but that is a post for another day). but that is just to say that of course i cannot do everything right now. moreover, i am still growing. i am growing into my self. i am growing into my identity. i am growing through learning skills all the time that will help me (both practically and emotionally) to go on journeys one day that i today can only dream of. i am allowed to take time. i am allowed to grow.

right now, i am working toward my dream job. that is a valid goal. i am learning many things every day through university and through reading and watching and listening. i am saying yes to opportunities within my field of scope. i am trying new things within what i can. i am working a job related to my field that i enjoy and allows me to survive. i am learning to be more creative. i am talking to people. i am breathing. i deserve to breathe and rest too. i do not always have to be doing and striving.

that is just to remind myself that … my time will come. i have not reached that stage of travel yet but that does not mean i am not still exploring in different ways and i know i will reach that stage eventually.

2019

Last year’s New Year’s Resolutions was a list of both goals and little things I hoped to tick off my bucket list. However, the first real fight in my relationship (which happened to occur just before Christmas) and the subsequent evaluation of the viability of the relationship made me realize that I didn’t have a clear sense of my values, beliefs, and goals. Although I knew what I was against, I felt like I lacked being for something. This really encouraged and propelled me to examine what my values and goals were and put them clearly into words.

This evaluation fit perfectly into the timing of New Years. The start of 2019 was in fact a perfect time to put these goals, beliefs, and values into being. This year, I’ve put a lot of thought into my New Year’s goals and they’ve been informed, created, and shaped according to my values … according to the image of the person I aspire to be and the steps needed to become that person … according to my world view … according to the image of my ideal partner (I believe you should emulate what you want to see and you will attract that – also there’s the issue of hypocrisy and all that) …

So really, my New Year’s goals are not simply goals but the attempt to evolve into my ideal self, to transform my self, to make the most of this life I’m living, and to get back in touch with who I am, who I want to be, and who I need to be. I have made some more general goals based on my general goals and values but also goals intended to help me achieve the general.

So without further ado, this year, I resolve to …

Learn and discover

I love learning. When I am unable to find happiness, my thirst for knowledge makes life worth living. It gives me meaning. I treasure knowledge and I treasure growth. I could never become my ideal self if I remained stagnant. I wish to be always growing because only then can I become the best I can be. My motto for this year is to never fear change and to strive to be always better than before.

That’s change and you can only achieve that through learning. But also, learning is one of the most rewarding things I’ve done. Discovering new things, feeling new experiences, and meeting new people opens up your eyes to the beauty and diversity of the human experience.

The goals

  • Practice French everyday (Learning another language introduces you to an entirely new culture and a new way of thinking and seeing the world. I’ve wanted to become fluent in French for so long but I’ve never stuck at it at a consistent enough pace to do that. I hope this year is the year that I do.)

 

  • Say YES to more things (This prompts you to do things outside of your comfort zone that you’ve never have dreamed of doing but that can change your life.)

 

  • Talk to people when you get the opportunity. Listen and share. Be friendly and sociable (I struggle with social anxiety so this will be different but I do crave human connections and socialization is a powerful education system. Uncovering the minds of people is not only key to understanding humanity but it brings so much joy and light to both people involved when there is a connection between two people.)

 

  • Go on a getaway out of Auckland (I have hardly traveled in New Zealand and while I would love to travel the entire world, it’s not easy with limited money and time. But I’m sure I can fit in one little getaway within the country and I’m excited!)

 

  • Join another club (I may not have time for this but I think it’d be a great idea to join a club related to one of my goals this year … perhaps French?)

 

  • GO TO COUNSELLING (I keep putting this off. I really think I should at least give it a try. My extreme emotions, depressed periods, occasional suicidal thoughts, constant identity crises, and social anxiety scream GET HELP  but I always find an excuse not to go. In the vein of self improvement and learning, I should do this.)

 

  • Surround yourself with people you want to be like/admire (This will really prompt self growth. I want to surround myself this year with people who uplift me and inspire me to grow.)

 

Spread love and positivity

 

  • Don’t say things about people that you wouldn’t behind their back (I try not to do this, but sometimes I fall back into gossiping because … hey, it’s fun sometimes and a way to bond with others. But it’s also a great way to create rumors and I would hate for other people to gossip about me. Gossiping at heart is about having fun by laughing at other people and judging their lives. Do I want to bond with people if the only way we bond is through our worst selves?)

 

  • Don’t judge other people. Be empathetic

 

Raise awareness and make the world better

 

  • Volunteer with psych work/mental health (My psych degree and possible goals to work in the field in future fit hand in hand with my desire to help others and my passion for spreading awareness about mental health.)

 

  • Write more about race, sex, and LGBT issues connect with my Chinese heritage (As a Chinese bisexual woman, these issues directly affect me and that’s given me a strong connection and passion for helping people like me … and simply people who are different. But I haven’t found a way to really put this passion to use. I love writing, however, and I always have something to say on this topic, so I think that would be a perfect project for me.)

 

  • Stop using disposable cups and straws (Get a damn reusable one. It’s not that hard.)

 

Study and work

These goals are intended to get me closer to gaining a career that I love, am good at, and that makes a meaningful change in the world. I haven’t settled on a single career to aim for but I would like perhaps to work in publishing, academia, or the entertainment industry. I also have an interest in careers and recruitment, libraries, and mental health.

  • Achieve a B+ or higher average (so I can do an honours degree if I choose)

 

  • Apply for jobs/opportunities that relate to the following careers: writer, editor, librarian, literary agent, research assistant, careers/recruitment, fashion, entertainment, music, teaching

 

  • Get research experience in English (and psych)

 

  • Get an internship/summer scholarship or job related to my job goals.

 

  • Apply to work at my university’s newspaper/publication (I actually applied before and got no reply but I’m willing to try again(

 

  • Engage in tutorial and lab discussions. Cultivate relationships with classmates and tutors/lecturers. ASK QUESTIONS. Go to office hours (Aside from gaining connections that will help me in my career, these actions simply make the university education richer and more impactful.)

 

  • Get my CV professionally evaluated

 

  • Go to careers workshops and postgrad workshops

 

Personal 

These goals are generally little things I want to do that will positively impact my mental health and help me establish my sense of personal identity.

  • Make my apartment room feel truly home (I adore my apartment and I do consider it my home. But I think that I could make a few more touches in terms of decor that could make it feels as homely and cozy as possible … if I have the money and time, I definitely will do this!)

 

  • Apply for NZ citizenship (NZ is my home!)

 

  • Get my restricted license (I’ve booked a test so let’s hope it comes to pass and then I pass.)

 

  • Cook at least one proper meal a week (vegetarian) when I’m at my apartment (Because I need to save money and eat healthily ya know.)

 

  • Get a part time job for a weekend day (For money.)

 

  • Go swimming often (Swimming is one of the few forms of physical activity that I love and I recently bought a pair of prescription goggles so I’m all set for the water this year.)

 

  • Write music. (Record it eventually. And record song covers.) Play music. Sing and dance. Perform as much as you can. Possibly buy a keyboard? (Music makes me really happy. I don’t have a keyboard at my apartment, sadly, so I’ve been considering making the investment to buy one, since I love the piano and always write songs on it. I would definitely make use of it. However, I don’t know if I have the space in my apartment for a keyboard and I’m hesitant about spending the money.)

 

  • Try out making YouTube videos (I’d like to make them in both English and French. I just want to try making them to see if I enjoy it.)

 

  • Read the classics I haven’t read yet (Of course I don’t aim to read them all this year or even all in the next ten years. But when I have the spare time, I think it would be a great idea to pick up one of the classics I have yet to discover.)

 

  • Make new friends and find my own “second family” (I have friends but haven’t found a group that I really mesh with. But I would absolutely love to find a group of people I enjoy being with who have similar values as me. I can’t guarantee I will accomplish this but the goal is to try.)

 

  • Do something everyday that makes you happy

Those seem like a lot of goals and they are. But they are all important to me and make me feel so excited for the coming year. Attempting these goals is like making peace with myself. These goals … they are necessary. And at least I do have a year to accomplish them. It’s going to be a busy year but a big one I think.

drive

im 23. i still feel the same, maybe

they say it gets better. i guess it has. time heals. it does. its hard for me to remember just how hard it was four years ago. but i know it was. i know that i was frozen and i was so so so scared of everyone. and i remember more years ago … pretty much as far back as i can remember … all i wanted was to die. i didnt know what happiness was until i was 17. people always say your childhood days were the best of your life and they wish they were five again and i just stare in wonder. having no responsibilities doesnt mean you will be happy. im happy now. most of the time. but its still hard. it still comes back.

will i ever be free?

will i ever be the girl i dream of?

i like to be alone most of the time 

i guess i do. the more alone i am, the more used i am to it. but i know im happier surrounded by love and laughter … but being around people doesnt mean youre not alone. not quite. sometimes when im around people i feel more alone than if i wasnt.

is it all in my head, what they said? 

i ruin my own life just for nothing

im always afraid of wasting time and wasting life. i know i could be so much more. but i dont do it. i fall into the same old comfortable habits and watch my dream girl crumble to dust

i drive fast so i can feel something 

why

noises

my mind makes noise too much 

Shhhhhh. Calm down. Breathe. Maybe stop thinking for a while oh but what if i never find love and connection and remain alone forever oh i know that i am a terrible person and i know youre disappointed in me trust me im disappointed in myself too why am i only valuable as a sex object i suppose i should stop wearing makeup and trying to look nice then ill stop being stared at thats the point of all that isnt it not like its possible to just want to dress up for yourself?

im afraid that i need help

but what if no one is able to help me maybe im beyond saving and then what will i do maybe ill just keep blaming all my problems on mental illness instead of trying to get any help for it because what if it doesnt work then all ill have to blame is myself what if im not mentally ill just a failure

i know its not right but you cant fix me this time 

thank you for not trying to fix me. i wish people would accept that sometimes i just need someone to talk to i dont need a solution you dont have to berate yourself for failing to fix me because you couldnt no matter how amazing a person you were im my own worst enemy i know that and its up to me but i dont know how i feel i dont have the power but i know this is something i have to do if someone else does it it wont be complete i will still be broken this isnt about you this is about me

what do you see when you look at me?

i dont want to know am i as much of a failure to you as i am to myself maybe i do want you to know my true self because at least it will be real it wont look like success but feel like pain. what do you see do you see emptiness or do you see potential is there hope for me

i cant control my emotions lately, im excited, im sad

why does the smallest thing turn me into an uncontrollable wreck why cant i get a grip why is everything so apocalyptic oh why does my heart break and why do i want to kill myself because of a bad day will i ever be free from this i think i am crazy

i think you mightve overdone it again

definitely. please forget that

the faces that you love are slowly giving up 

youre not supposed to take that long to get better are you? how long can i blame my upbringing for my problems i promise you ill get better but you know its an empty promise

is this me? tell me who i can be

how long do you have to be like this before it becomes who you really are they say its just your brain and you must not listen to your brain but arent i my brain if im really someone else when is she going to show up

Look at me.

am i still a writer?

its strange how something that was so central to your life can become optional

im thinking about writing. there was a time when writer was synonymous with my identity. there was a time when writing was the only thing that kept me alive. there was a time when i lived and breathed for the beauty of words. there was a time when words spilled out of my ears and eyes and skin.

of course i still write. i write everyday for at least one of my three english papers. i write texts to my love. i write through comments and posts on social media. im writing notes, essays, and lab reports.

i suppose i write now more for some other reason than writing itself. and thats whats changed. i dont write because i must write. i dont write so much to sound beautiful. but most of all, i dont feel this drive. i feel that writing is something that has become less and less a part of my life. when i think about it, i realise it is not so because ive never stopped. not at all. but i feel its become more about obligation than love.

so am i still a writer?

do i like to write? do i want to write? do i need to write?

does it matter?

of course it doesnt. it only matters for this tricky little thing called identity that i still havent quite grasped.

no it doesnt matter but i still wonder because how can i no longer be a writer when writing made life worth living? how can something that made life worth living suddenly become unessential?

how strange. how ephemeral

yet now im an english student. im someone who looks at the art of weaving words. if im not a writer, i write about being one and i write about what other people have written. i suppose now im on the outside.

im not sure how i feel about it

id love to get into writing again but i dont know if it gives me the same kind of feeling of magic and i miss it

moving on

There are many stories and thoughts I have to share about my past relationship. But I’ve decided I shouldn’t and won’t tell them. At least not yet.

 

I cannot sacrifice peace of mind for a good story. I have let myself live in that time of my life for long enough. But in these past few months, I’ve completely forgotten about that part of my life and left it alone and I have found myself far happier than before – I’ve found myself radiantly happy, in fact, and completely filled with peace, contentment and excitement for my life and everything in it.

 

This isn’t to say I have been repressing these memories. Not at all. It’s simply the case that I haven’t been actively recalling them very much. I feel a sense of peace around this subject rather than denial that it happened, because I’ve come to a place where I recognize it is the past and the present and future hold better things. Do I still have some processing to do? Probably. But I find writing these posts reliving events that happened isn’t helpful right now. It becomes instead an exercise in wallowing in negativity. I become stuck in the past. And every time I reconstruct the memory, it becomes more and more a caricature of reality. That’s not healthy.

 

So I’m moving on from that chapter of my life. I’m choosing to let go of the feelings of anger and regret and focus instead on love and joy.