writing and loneliness

I haven’t written any fiction for a long time … the last time was perhaps early this year, but even then, it was only a short bit of flash fiction. The last time I wrote extensively was February when I was finishing up my novel Eunice. 

There’s a big part of me that really wants to get back into writing.

At the same time, I’m nervous to do so.

I’ve come to realise part of why writing is such a struggle … oftentimes, such a draining, painful process.

It’s incredibly isolating.

On the surface, writing fiction is typically a solitary activity (unless you’re writing collaboratively which is a different story). You are alone in front of your computer or paper, and it’s just you and the words. Even if there are people around you while you write, it’s you and the words. You’re not communicating to the outside world … not yet, at least.

But deeper … below the surface … writing requires you to truly be inside your mind. This is why I find it difficult to write with other people around. Technically, writing doesn’t have to be a solitary activity, but for me it’s much easier when it is. And that’s because writing requires you to be isolated in your mind.

When I write an essay, it’s typically about the real world. Even if it’s not (let’s say it’s an English essay on a novel) it is still grounded in the real world and, more importantly, the essence of the piece is not fiction. Also, because it’s an essay and doesn’t need a huge amount of creativity, I can write it fairly mindlessly, without applying my full mental powers to it.

The very term fiction, however, indicates that it’s about something that isn’t real. It’s about ideas and characters and places in your head. And it’s creative writing (emphasis on creative), so I really can’t do it with only half a mind. That means I put my entire mind into creating and writing about a world that doesn’t exist … with characters who don’t exist … events that didn’t happen. I truly immerse my mind in this fiction, because I need to if it’s going to be any good.

And that’s a truly isolating experience.

I come out of writing feeling this disconnection when I talk to real people. I feel even a disconnection with the world. I feel an intense sense of my own loneliness – of being in a separate mind and body from everyone else and completely unable to bridge this distance. Even then, this description doesn’t quite describe what I feel after writing fiction. I can only approximate this feeling with words like “disconnection” “loneliness” and “alienation”.

Maybe I can liken coming out of the writing shell to living life in a daze or as if it’s a dream – and not a nice dream at that. It’s more like a nightmare.

It’s switching to a different reality and in this reality you are all alone. Your characters ignore your existence. The real people who would acknowledge you are in the other reality. And you’re not quite able to be fully in that reality either … not with one foot in another place.

The more I think about my stories, the more my mind becomes entrenched in the world of them and the farther I am from reality. When I do go back to the real world, I can feel something is different.

And I feel tired. The whole process is so so tiring.

I don’t know if other writers feel this and, if they do, to what extent. I don’t know if it’s just me, or if it’s something inherent in writing about worlds and places that don’t exist. (I know writing is often based on the real world, but it is still at its core not quite the same). I do think that I like to write. Having written makes me feel incredibly fulfilled and I love my characters and the stories in my head. I want to get them out and make them into something concrete. And the act of writing itself is a beautiful incredible thing. I will never stop being in awe of it and or feeling the compulsion to write.

But I often wonder if writing stories really is good for me (or my mental health). I wonder if it’s worth it. I wonder if it will really make me happy.

And all too often, the answer in my head is “no”.

Life is never going to be perfect

Life is never going to be perfect.

We all know that. We’ve always known that.

Haven’t we?

But still I always struggle to come to terms with the idea. At the back of my mind, there’s always the unconscious wish for a world – a vision – a fantasy – of how my life would be. Of how would be.

But I’ll say it again.

Life is never going to be perfect.

But still I’ll love it for what it is.

I’ll take the imperfect beauty and wonder and fun and love and laughter and intoxication ….

and get high

high

high

I’m

embracing everything and everyone for what they are.

And it’s enough.

It’s so so so enough.

Are we losing the art of writing?

Case in point … the sheer effort it’s taking for me to sit here and type these words on the page …

The willpower that’s needed to keep my fingers from straying to open a new tab and just consume consume consume…

Social media, maybe. A blog. A book. A conversation with someone. But writing?

I haven’t done this for so long that I feel at a complete loss. These words come out of my brain a sludgy mess. It’s been so long since I’ve sat down and written an actual blog post – an actual substantial piece of writing – outside of schoolwork.

Why?

Do I really have nothing to say?

I’ve brought up the idea in my previous post that perhaps I’ve stopped writing because writing was an outlet for loneliness. Now I have actual people to word vomit my ideas out to instead of a phantom audience in the blogosphere. That may be a factor. But at the same time, when I explore ideas with friends, we don’t always go into great depth about them.

So I feel like by writing less for my own sake, I’ve started thinking less for my own sake. And that’s a scary thought … and a sad one.

I used to have plenty to say … what happened?

I used to have plenty that I thought about … what happened?

I’d venture to say, yes, I do still have an abundance of thoughts. But where are they all going?

Many people today might blame social media for this. They might say it’s encouraging a culture of mindless consumption … zombie brains … pointless scrolling and clicking. I’ve always disagreed. I feel like this is a demonisation of “the new generation” and a naive wish for “the way things used to be”. Granted, I am one of the “millennials” and fully admit to bias. But recently I’ve been feeling some truth to the blame on social media. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t believe that it’s inherently bad. But it’s true that sites such as Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Tumblr … they make it so easy to just consume without having to think. The content is short and sweet, which isn’t a bad thing, but again it’s so much easier than reading a huge post or (even harder) writing a huge post. As human beings, we’re naturally lazy. Of course, if something easy and entertaining is within reach, we’ll choose it, rather than something difficult and entertaining.

Now, that is operating on the idea that, let’s say, writing posts or massive amounts of thinking is healthy. At first glance, you may think “how can it NOT be a good thing?” We all need to think a bit more, don’t we?

…But if you think about it a bit more (HAHA thinking again), why does it matter so much? Let people live the lives they want to live. If they become a little lazy … so what? We’re going to make it through anyway. When the situation arises when we need to work, we’ll work. It’s also true that I find myself writing and thinking a lot when I’m alone and I gradually feel sadder and sadder, compared to when I hang out more with other people, which involves less of this kind of abstract thinking and writing. And I’m actually a happier person for it. I just really don’t know if I can make a judgment on how much people “ought” to think…

I will say one more thing – writing this post and these ideas has reminded me of writing essays for English class. Some of the ideas remind me of the “wider links to society and human nature” that we’re always encouraged to make when analysing our English texts. And this has made me realise that there are so many fascinating aspects of human nature … everything about the human spirit and what makes us ourselves is a beautiful, tragic, and amazing thing.

But when I write these essays, so often I’m just going through the motions. I’m making these “links” to societal issues because they sound good and right and they’re required. But they used to fascinate me. I feel I’m losing my sense of wonder at life. I’m losing my sense of something beyond the everyday. I feel like I’m becoming a different person. Are these thoughts right now even my thoughts? Or are they the shadow thoughts of a person like who I used to be … that I’m merely trying to mirror right now?

So maybe it’s not a bad idea that I’ve been behind on this leisurely thinking/writing habit. At the same time, I do feel that there’s a depth of meaning to this habit. I feel it makes my everyday life into something more. And now that I’ve more or less let the habit drop, I’m losing the skill of writing which has always been so central to who I am.

Cue identity crisis number 101.

outlet

Okay, so I pretty much forgot I had a blog …

The thing is, I haven’t felt like I’ve lacked something. Sometimes when I take a long hiatus from blogging, I feel like something is missing but that isn’t the case now.

I guess I simply haven’t had anything I’ve wanted to say here. Blogging is an interesting medium, because, for me, even though my blog is public, it’s always been about expressing my thoughts for myself alone. I don’t really think about who will read my posts. I write for myself, because I have some thoughts – some words – inside of me and I need to spill them out onto somewhere permanent and concrete or I’ll explode.

But I haven’t had words spilling out of me yet. I’m curious if that’s because I’ve been socialising more and talking to more people both in real life and over text message. I used to be extremely isolated and that would explain the sheer volume of words just stuck inside me. I needed an outlet. Now I can just text a friend rather than writing for a vague “audience” (that’s you guys, if you’re reading this – and I’m sure you ARE awesome … I just don’t know you) that I’m not sure will read what I say or not.

I started this blog because I had a crush. It was a weird, irrational crush, on a boy whom I was, honestly, quite alarmed and embarrassed to be falling for. And I had all these feelings inside of me and no one I felt I could tell. So I had to write. I had to write to make sense of my feelings and get over them. Ok, maybe writing didn’t make them go away, but it was cathartic, nonetheless. And it was a relief, too, to be able to write with such honesty without the fear of being judged.

I haven’t really had such a moment in a while. Now I feel that there are people in my life I can tell such things too.

But still it’s nice to know that if I can’t, there’s always this outlet waiting for me.

Fangirlish Thoughts on The Infernal Devices

I tried to read The Mortal Instruments a couple months ago and I just couldn’t get through it but NOW, now I’m super psyched to read it. Why?

THE INFERNAL DEVICES. Guys. This series. Guys. Seriously.

Okay, I’ll admit, I borrowed this series because every book blogger was in love with Will Herondale and I wanted to find out what the fuss was all about. Verdict? Yeah, he is pretty awesome. But it’s not just him. There’s the whole cast of characters and the plot lines … I mean, they’re not without faults but IT DOESN’T MATTER. The series is STILL AWESOME.

So without further ado, here are some of my (highly detailed) thoughts while reading the series.

image

(contains SPOILERS for all three books)

Clockwork Angel 

-Will and Jem! Oooh, I’m really interested to learn what their characters are like. Right now, it seems like Will is the dominating one and Jem is this quiet, more sensible guy.

-“Your brother sent me.” This is SUPER FISHY. DON’T GO TESSA!!!

-This is already so intense! And it’s so dark. Tessa is practically being tortured. The surprising thing is that later on she doesn’t seem to have been majorly affected by her experiences with the Dark Sisters. I mean, I’m glad for Tessa, but … it’s not realistic.

-Tessa’s a shapeshifter! I rarely hear about female shapeshifters so this is SO COOL.

-I was actually wondering if Will was the Magister. But then again, … “Anyone who looked like that wouldn’t need to tie girls up and imprison them in order to get them to marry him.” xD

-YES WHEN WILL AND TESSA MEET …. THAT SCENE IS GOLD. Tessa throws a jug at him, and asks him if he’s drunk, and Will is like “Do you often sleep tied to the bed?” I SHIP THEM ALREADY.

-“He isn’t human-” “You’re one to talk.” A lot of characters would totally flip out but Tessa’s so chill.

-The backstory and worldbuilding is interweaved into the story really well. Sure, some bits are quite obvious, but it’s not boring.

-“It isn’t against the Law to be an idiot.”

-‘Will looked horrified, “What kind of monster could possibly hate chocolate?”‘ I absolutely agree, Will. Also, usually girls are the ones raving about chocolate and yet Tessa hates it … interesting.

-Aw, why you being like that, Will? I want to ship you with Tessa but you’re spoiling it, dammit.

-Jem’s half-Chinese! Didn’t expect that.

-I love the relationship between Will and Jem so much! It’s like, Will stops pretending to be a jerk the moment Jem needs him. They’ve got each other’s backs, all the time.

-Is it hard to act drunk? Just wondering ….

-“When she Changed back to herself, how was she to know there wasn’t some slight shift in her very self?…Was her face irrelevant to her true self?” That’s really interesting! I didn’t really think about it, but shapeshifters must suffer some massive identity crises.

-This Jessamine … this is suspicious. Why’s she being so nice to Tessa?

-I can’t help thinking Charlotte and Henry are rather naive going straight to Mortmain and believing him so quickly.

-I have no idea what demon pox is but IT’S HILARIOUS HOW DETERMINED WILL IS THAT IT EXISTS.

-MIRANDA IS AN AUTOMATON?!

-Jessamine has her faults but THAT WAS TOTALLY BADASS FIGHTING A GOBLIN WITH HER PARASOL. AND I feel so sorry for her! She doesn’t want to kill and it really disturbs her when she is forced to.

-Awwww, then Jessamine has her dollhouse, with “Mama”, “Papa”, and “Baby Jessie”. She’s just a little girl at heart and wants things to be the way they used to be.

-Will: “Blue…does not go with red, for instance.” Henry: “I have a red and blue striped waistcoat.” Will: “If that isn’t proof that those two colors would never be seen together, I don’t know what is.”

– Tessa is going to change into Camille and she and Will will go to investigate De Quincy’s house! This just screams DANGER!! And there’s still so much more of the book so I know something’s gonna happen.

-OOOH, we’re gonna meet Magnus. I’m super curious to meet him.

-THAT’S SAD WHAT HAPPENED TO CAMILLE AND HER LOVER. It kind of reminds me of Daughter of Smoke and Bone. And then Camille’s like “Kill them all.” She’s freaky.

-AND THEN SOPHIE’S BACKSTORY. WOW.

-Tessa: “I don’t understand what makes them (teeth) come out like that?” Will: “Were you thinking about eating me?” Tessa: “No!” Jem: “No one would blame you. He’s very annoying.” XD

-Ugh. Gabriel and Benedict Lightwood remind me of Draco and Lucius Malfoy.

-***gasp*** WILL FORETOLD BENEDICT LIGHTWOOD’S FUTURE. I DIDN’T NOTICE IT THE FIRST TIME I READ THE BOOK BUT HE ALREADY SUSPECTED HE HAD DEMON POX.

-When Jem, Tessa, and Will are eavesdropping on the meeting and Henry stumbles on them, Will’s like “We’re playing charades.” Not shifty at all.

-AHHH THIS IS TERRIFYING. TESSA IS CAMILLE AND TALKING TO DE QUINCEY. IT JUST FEELS LIKE DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN.

-PHEW! Things feel so much safer with Magnus.

-‘”Leave her alone, Magnus,” Will’s tone was sharp. Magnus glanced toward Tessa and winked, “I think he’s jealous.”‘ I AGREE, MAGNUS.

-AHHHH THIS MAKES ME SOOOO MADDD. THE CEREMONY WITH THE VAMPIRES IS JUST THE WORSE. WHERE THEY SLOWLY DRAIN THEIR VICTIM AND THE WHOLE AUDIENCE ENJOYS IT!!!!!??? BLOODTHIRSTY CANNIBALS.

-AHHH IT’S NATHANIEL!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG AND POOR TESSA!

-YES, the shadowhunters won the battle … sort of. But De Quincey’s still on th loose!

-‘”I think,” said Gabriel, “that perhaps you might consider whether jokes about opium are either amusing or tasteful given the … situation of your friend Carstairs.”‘ Gabriel has a point there. Maybe he isn’t so bad, after all; just annoying because of his father.

-OH, and I forgot to talk about Jem and his backstory. IT’S HORRIBLE. HE WAS FRICKIN TORTURED. AND THEN HE BECOMES ADDICTED TO THIS SUBSTANCE AND WILL DIE WITHOUT IT AND HE JUST CAN’T HELP IT.

-Jem notices that Will likes Tessa! (or so I thought …)

-Aww, Tessa and Nate are sweet. They seem to really care for each other. They are all each other had, after their parents and aunt died.

– AWWW AHHH I SHIP THEM SO MUCH. TESSA AND WILL. WHEN WILL NEEDS TO TAKE THE WATER AND TESSA IS TALKING TO HIM. AND HE SAYS SHE MADE HIM LAUGH WHEN SHE HIT HIM WITH THE JUG. AND THEN THEY’RE KISSING. AND THEN WILL FREAKS OUT AND TELLS TESSA TO LEAVE AHHHHH I CAN’T TAKE IT! WHAT’S HAPPENING WITH WILL??!! THEY NEED TO BE TOGETHER ASAP.

-‘Drowning yourself won’t help, she told herself sternly. Now, drowning Will, on the other hand …‘ Oh, man. Tessa. xD

-At first, I was super annoyed with Will for being so insistent that they search Nate’s mind for information. It seemed like it was aimed at Tessa, to distress her. But little did I know …

-AH I LOVE HOW TESSA STILL DEFENDS HER BROTHER. I mean, she’s definitely too biased for her own good, but it’s just sweet how she will stand up for Nate and have his back.

-AHHH NOOOO. IT’S AN ATTACCCCKK. AND A TRICK!! AND THE AUTOMATON’S ARE USING JEM’S BLOOD. LIKE I THOUGHT THE INSTITUTE WAS A SAFE PLACE BUT NOW NOWHERE IS SAFE IT SEEMS. AND NATE IS A TRAITOR! I SO WANTED HIM TO BE REDEEMED AND HE AND TESSA TO BE HAPPY TOGETHER AND I WANTED HIM TO LEARN TO BE A GOOD BROTHER TO TESSA BUT NO. IT JUST HAD TO BE THIS WAY.

-YASS. Jessamine is totally annoying and superficial but she steps up when she needs to and she isn’t blinded by her desire to marry Nate.

-Nate killed Aunt Harriet???!!! WHAT?! He’s even worse than I thought …

-OMG JESSAMINE YOU IDIOT. Of course it wasn’t Will at the door. I mean, sure, it sounds like him, but just use your brain. He’d be totally winded from fighting clockwork creatures before coming here and he couldn’t have killed them so soon, besides. DON’T OPEN THE FRICKIN DOOR!

-Of course, she had to open the door.

-I really thought Tessa had stabbed herself! But she had actually changed  to trick Mortmain. Woah. This girl is clever. And she’s not going to just kill herself. SHE’S GOING TO FIND A WAY OUT OF THE MESS.

-OH POOR TESSA. ON TOP OF WILL, NOW SHE LEARNS SHE CAN’T HAVE CHILDREN. :((

– Jem: “It’s Will who ought to be sorry. We shall throw him out onto the streets…I promise you he’ll be gone by morning.” Tessa: “Oh-no, you can’t mean that-” Jem: “Of course I don’t. But you felt better for a moment there, didn’t you?” Jem is great.

-OOOH, I totally understand the Will vs Jem love triangle thingy. It makes sense, because you can tell that Tessa truly likes Will, but he’s all like, you can only ever be my mistress, and we’ll have to keep the relationship secret, and he’s got his issues and demons (literally). So then she starts hanging with Jem, ya know?

-YES MAGNUS IS LIFE.

-OMG NO. YOU CAN’T JUST END IT THERE. I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT IS UP WITH WILLLL!!!

_____________________

Clockwork Prince

-AWWW poor Will. He’s looking for a potion to make himself not in love with Tessa anymore.

-Benedict Lightwood is insufferable. And generally everyone on the Council .. And yet, I have to admit Charlotte has made many mistakes that could very well have been fatal. She was tricked by Mortmain and then Nate, and several times led Shadowhunters down the wrong path and endangered people. She’s a good head of the Institute because she makes the place a home, but …. she’s a little unwise …

-Uh, oh, I’m nervous about Gideon. Apparently he’s worse than Gabriel?…

-Charlotte: “Starkweather is the most stubborn, hypocritical, obstinate, degenerate-” Will: “Would you like a thesaurus?”

-PLOT TWIST. Gabriel and Gideon are spying for their father! And Gideon actually seems kind of nice … he cares for Gabriel and he’s rather done with his father’s scheming.

-Tessa: “Gideon and Gabriel – They’re really quite good looking, not hideous at all.” OMG I can imagine how jealous Will felt.

-Will: “Perhaps she’s a girl who’s fallen madly in love with me and persists in following me wherever I go.” Tessa: “My talent is shape-shifting, not acting.”

-THEORY: STARKWEATHER IS TESSA’S FATHER!!

-He’d be a pretty horrible father if he was though. All those spoils … no wonder warlocks and people like Mortmain hate Shadowhunters.

-Tessa: “Even Henry was in my dream. He was taking apart my heart as if it were made of clockwork.” Will: “Well that settles it. Pure fantasy. As if Henry is a danger to anyone except himself.” HENRY IS ADORABLE. AND AWESOME.

-AWW WHHHYYYY. I’M SO SAD. I JUST WANT TESSA AND WILL TO BE TOGETHER. Is that too much to ask?

-Now Will’s family is in the picture … the plot thickens.

-Tessa: “Will … Last night-” Will: “There was no last night.” Tessa: “Oh, truly? We went from one afternoon on through till the next morning? How odd no one else has remarked on it.” OMG such a bad joke, but the reason I found this funny was that this is totally something I would say or one of my friends would say. We just argue for the sake of it and will insist on taking everything literally to be annoying. XD

-THE TRUTH COMES OUT. FINALLY WE UNDERSTAND WILL. And can I just say … wow. It makes me regret ever complaining about my life. What Will went through … had to go through for FIVE years … No one should have to suffer like that. He had to pretend to be someone different so no one would love him! And for five years, he must have thought that no one loved him, because no one else was dying after his sister. What a horrible horrible curse. AND AHHHH everything about Will makes sense now! I understand why he left his parents and why he treats everyone the way he does … and even why he never got along with Gabriel ..

-Sophie and Gideon are totally a thing now.

-I was rather surprised that Gabriel is a good instructor AND he actually apologises for being inappropriate at the training session. He’s better than Draco.

-I find it really weird that Magnus would address the letter to Tessa rather than Jem … about Will being missing and probably going to harm himself.

-Oh dear. Dear me. Will at an opium den …. I understand why he did it but I also understand how Jem would feel to see him do something like that … Will’s a messed up guy, that’s for sure.

-No. No. No. I understand the love triangle but I don’t ship Jem and Tessa AT ALL. I ain’t feeling it. They just seem like friends. I definitely don’t get the vibe from Tessa that she has any deeper feelings for him.

-Tessa: “You behave as if you dislike us all.” Gabriel: “I don’t. I just dislike him.” Will: “Dear me. Is it because I’m better-looking than you?”

-Woolsey Scott is rather cold and can be a nuisance sometimes. But HE’S GOLD. He’s all sarcastic and witty and he totally ships Will and Tessa. I’m telling ya. …”What a charming couple … See how his dark hair sets off her pale skin …Your blushing belies your words.”

-Will: “Everyone makes mistakes, Jem.” Jem: “Yes. You just make more than most people.”

-Jem and Will have a really touching conversation and all but it’s so painful. Some of the things Jem says … they’re totally true but when you understand Will, you can only imagine how deep they cut. Jem’s like, “You hurt everyone.” And “(You’d be) alone? Whose fault is that?” Like, don’t rub it in deeper, Jem!

-Jessamine’s been seeing Nate? WHHHAAATTT?

-Will: “What is Benedict Lightwood doing, throwing parties that none of us know about? Parties to which Nate is invited?”

-I shouldn’t laugh so much but the Will incident with Tatiana …. I’M CRYING OMG. Tatiana was twelve and had a huge crush on Will and wrote poetry about him and then Will went and read it in public. Oh my.

-Oh maaan, Tessa’s going to have to dance with Nate and pretend to be his wife. Also, I THOUGHT JESSAMINE WAS SMARTER THAN THIS.

-When Nate says “I’m jealous of every other man who looks at you … You should be looked at only by me”, Tessa’s like, “Does this line of talk work on most women? If he’d asked me about them, I’d have told him he sounded like an idiot.”

-I freaked out when Nate called Tessa “Mrs Gray” because I thought he had realised it was Tessa, but it’s just because Jessamine is married to him. Phew!

-Woah, woah, woah there. Tessa and Will are like full on making out and it’s all sweet and hella passionate and all but throughout the thing I was just like woah, someone’s gonna see you guys and this is NOT the best location and just generally woah woah, slow down. But also, YASSSS finally you guys are not letting your demons get in the way of each other.

-PHEW IT’S JUST MAGNUS. Once again, it’s Magnus to the rescue. He’s like “There you two are. And quite a spectacular display you’re making, if I do say so.” And then later, he says to Tessa, “Gracious, that’s a lot of bosom you’re showing.” Like, yeah. That’s a formal way to put it …

-And oh no now Tessa is like, it was all the warlock powder and I don’t actually like Will … Um, NO. Tessa. Yeah, there was a powder but I’m pretty sure you still wanted to make out with Will before you drank the lemonade.

-I’m really curious. What is the favor that Will does for Magnus?? Was it written somewhere and I missed it?

-Magnus: “I do like him, though rather despite myself.” YES.

-Will is so happy to be bitten by the demon if it means he’s a step closer to breaking the curse. It makes me want to cry. And I love how Magnus always needs to look out for Will and save him from his crazy ideas.

-I hate how everyone calls the Silent Brothers “monsters” and treats them like some “other”. Sure, they are strange, but I feel like they should get more respect. I dunno, maybe it’s just me?

-Tessa is part demon and part Shadowhunter!!!

-Oh, no. How could anyone break Magnus’ heart? Poor Magnus. He was genuinely devastated when Camille cheated on him.

-Yeah, why can’t it be Will and Magnus? I would totally be down with that ship.

-‘”I am brave,” Will said. He looked pleased with himself.’ Humble, much?

-I love how Magnus kisses Will and then he’s like, oh that’s just side effects from the painkillers, and Will just accepts that and they never mention it again and go back to being completely normal.

-Poor Charlotte. She’s trying to be strong but it’s breaking her what she has to do to Jessamine. And then Henry … he seems to really care for Jess.

-Jem: “Everyone thinks Will is a lunatic as it is-” “Ah,” said a voice from the doorway, “having your annual everyone-thinks-Will-is-a-lunatic meeting, are you?” Perfect timing there, Will.

-What? No?! Are you crazy? You fooled Nathaniel once with the Tessa-as-Jessamine thing. You’re not going to try it again? Don’t you know you should never repeat the same trick twice? Stupid Shadowhunters. Seriously.

-Good ole’ Jessamine. She’s in the Silent City and still she’s like “If you must borrow some of my clothes, do. You’ve been wearing the same four dresses over and over. That yellow one is practically ancient.”

-Totally. As stupid and vain as Jessamine can be, she DOES deserve better than Nate.

-Nate is such a creep and just ugh.

– I KNEW Nate would know something was up. I just knew.

-Tessa saves the day with her shapeshifting powers! And she changes into Nate so she can control the automaton!

-I almost felt sorry for Nate when he was dying. But as horrible as it sounds I can’t help being glad he’s dead. There was no hope for him.

-Tessa and Will are so sweet together, okay? They HAVE TO BE TOGETHER.

-WHATTTTT???!!! Will was tricked!!!! HE WAS NEVER CURSED AT ALL. FOR FIVE YEARS HE SUFFERED AND PUNISHED HIMSELF ALL FOR NOTHING. AHHHHHHHHHHH

-Magnus: “I can give you no assurance of what Tessa feels … If it’s any consolation, from what I observed on the balcony the other night, I do believe she rather likes you.” TRUTH.

-WILL IS FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

-For years, Charlotte and Henry both thought the other didn’t love them and only now do they sort out their misunderstandings. Those two …but yes. Open honest communication. I approve.

-Ahhhh, Will is just giddy with happiness and he bursts in on Charlotte and Henry and he’s like praising them and saying how grateful he is for them and Charlotte’s like “Are you sure you haven’t a fever?” And Henry’s like “Perhaps he’s been kidnapped and replaced by an automaton.”

-No. No. No. No. No. No. JEM YOU ARE NOT PROPOSING. NOOOO. WHYYYY. JEM. JEM CANNOT MARRY TESSA. THEY DO NOT GO. IT ISN’T RIGHT. IT CAN’T BE. STOP.STAHP. STAHP.

-AHHHHH. No. My heart is broken. Tessa is marrying Jem and everything is wrong and no!!!!! Although the fact that Tessa is with Jem in the second book does hint she’ll be with Will in the last. SHE HAS TO BE.

-Now Will is singing about demon pox and driving everybody crazy.

– AND IT’S TRUE. HE’S BEEN VINDICATED. BENEDICT LIGHTWOOD HAS DEMON POX.

-Woah. Jem asks Will what the symptoms of demon pox are and Will describes them to him (with relish) and Jem gasps and runs out of the room. Then Henry says exactly what I was thinking, “You don’t think he has demon pox, do you?”

-Wow that is tragic … what happened to Benedict’s wife.

-Tessa: “Do you care more about the plan being enacted or about getting credit for it?” Will: “The second one.” He’s free now, but still the same good ole Will … a total joker.

-I feel really sorry for Gabriel. He had nothing to do with his father’s schemes; he just loves his family because they are family. And then wow! Gideon leaves his father and joins the Institute!!!

-I was literally screaming out loud during the scene when Will tells Tessa about the curse. WHYYYYYY???!!! And why did Jem have to propose at that exact moment? Why couldn’t Will have been a bit quicker to tell Tessa??? WHY IS LIFE SO COMPLICATED????

-ANd now AHHHH TESSA TOO. And she loves Will so much. It’s obvious. She says she loves Will and Jem equally but I’ve always had the feeling that Will came first. It was always Will. But she doesn’t want to hurt Jem and she can’t tear the two of them apart. And then she burns herself with the poker and then she just starts sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. And when Sophie asks if Tessa has broken Jem’s heart, Tessa thinks, she has torn her own heart in two. IT JUST PROVES THAT SHE LOVES WILL. MORE THAN SHE CAN EVER LOVE JEM.

-I love how Bridget always sings about stuff that are going on in the Shadowhunter’s lives and Tessa’s life and she’s starts singing this song about “the lad I love best” called “Sweet William” and Tessa’s just like, Imma kill her.

-YES I KNEW CHARLOTTE WAS HAVING A BABY. AWW HENRY IS THE SWEETEST HUSBAND AS WELL.

-IT’S CECILY! Will’s sister! New character alert!

___________________________

Clockwork Princess

-You want intense and horrific? READ THE PROLOGUE OF CLOCKWORK PRINCESS. I actually feel sorry for Aloysius Starkweather and that whole scene is so vivid, where Adele is just burning from the marks and ahhhhhhh

-AWWWWWWW the scene where Jem and Will first meet is THE BEST. THOSE TWO LITTLE BOYS PRACTICALLY BABIES. AWWWW. Like Will is super rude and Jem is totally unbothered with it and then Will learns Jem is dying and feels super bad then Jem says he can teach Will to throw knives and they become best friends and Charlotte’s standing there like, it’s a miracle.

-AND LIKE IF YOU KNOW WILL’S BACKSTORY, YOU KNOW THE REASON HE LET JEM INTO HIS LIFE IS BECAUSE JEM SAID HE WAS DYING SO WILL THOUGHT IT WOULDN’T HARM JEM IF THEY BECAME CLOSE.

-AND THEN CHARLOTTE SAYS SHE WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAD SEEN WILL CRY!!! I can just imagine little Will running away from his family and being cruel to everyone then just sobbing his heart out because he’s all alone and doomed to it. POOR WILL.

-I’m surprised by how close Cecily and Will still are!

-That whole law where shadowhunters can’t talk to deserters even if they’re family …. it’s cruel, man.

-Jem to Will: “I have two of your favorite words, at least when you put them together … Demon pox.”

-Gabriel: “It was the pox, wasn’t it? You know all about it, don’t you? Aren’t you some sort of expert?” Will: “Well, you needn’t act as if I invented it.”

-Cecily and Gabriel are totally going to become a thing. I can just feel it. I THINK THAT WILL BE SUPER INTERESTING TOO. We’ll see a whole other side of Gabriel.

-Will is so protective over Cecily. I do get why he is, but still. I find it really annoying the whole trope of the protective guy trying to shield the girl from the world.

-Hah! I kinda wished Tatiana and Will could reminisce about their (embarrassing) past together but oh well.

-Benedict went and wrote on the wall with blood: “The Infernal Devices are without pity … regret … number … will never stop coming.” Talk about creepy.

-Haha yeah, I KNEW IT. CECILY AND GABRIEL. I actually think it’s pretty hilarious how it turned out because here’s the thing. Maybe Gabriel actually had a bit of a crush on Will which totally explains the tension between them. So now Gabriel’s going to go with Cecily and they’re always going on about how Cecily looks like Will … IT WOULD MAKE SENSE. IT WOULD.

-I DON’T know whether to trust Gabriel or not.

-OOOH, but he’s going to stay at the institute. New blood!

-I’m glad Jem asked for Will instead of Tessa. I’M SORRY BUT I WILL NEVER BE ON BOARD WITH JEM + TESSA. How about Jem and Will just get together instead?

-Ugh, I hate Consul Wayland.

-Ooooh, I ship Gabriel and Cecily so hard already.

-The arguments between Cecily and Will are honestly kinda tiresome but okay. Aw, but Cecily sees that Will loves Tessa. LIKE GUYS IT’S SO OBVIOUS. HOW CAN JEM NOT SEE IT?

-Gideon was asking Sophie for scones just so he could see her! Then when she finds piles of scones under the bed, Sophie’s like, how dare you make me do all this work when you’re not even eating them?! And they have this argument in the room while Gabriel’s just there sleeping. Then when Sophie leaves, it turns out Gabriel’s not asleep and he’s like, “Nicely done, brother”. Then Gideon throws a scone at him. LOVE IT. I love the relationship between the Lightwood brothers so much. They really care for each other and they’re like real siblings at the same time, arguing and fooling around and even talking relationship problems and stuff.

-JEM is gonna die!? No more yin fen. But now they’re going to look for a cure!! (But I’m still wondering, how is this relationship thing gonna work? I’m like 99 percent sure Cassandra Clare didn’t kill Jem off, but then what’s gonna happen with Will and Tessa?)

-Ugh ugh ugh. These letters between Wayland and the Council are SO ANNOYING. It’s driving me nuts reading them. MY LEAST FAVORITE PART OF THE BOOK.

-Woolsey calls Will “Magnus’ blue eyed boy.” #thingstoloveaboutwoolseyscott

-YES MAGNUS. Can like every scene just have Magnus in it? Or better, Magnus and Woolsey, and Will?

-Tessa: “I have come to understand something about novels.” Woolsey: “And what is that?” Tessa: “They are not true.”

-Woolsey: “You gave Will Camille’s necklace … Tragic reminder of lost love?” Magnus: “Didn’t suit my complexion.” Yeah, you go on tell yourself that, Magnus. HE TRIES to seem like he doesn’t really care about anything but deep down he really does love. I’m sure of it.

-UGH CONSUL WAYLAND IS SOOOOOO ANNOYINGGGGG.

-NOOOOO. Gabriel and Gideon are gonna start spying on Charlotte! Forced by Consul Wayland!

PHEW! They’re actually not going to spy on her. Like, they’re gonna write false letters!!

-OMG WHAT A RIDICULOUS LETTER. I think it’s obvious they’re making it up and the Consul would recognise that. BUUUUT I must say, I don’t like how they’re portraying Charlotte as this super vain and stingy woman who’s wasting money – that’s STILL giving her a bad image.

-WOAH CHILL WILL. CHILL, DUDE. He’s all like “Get away from my sister” to Gabriel and like I get that he doesn’t like Gabriel but CECILY CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF. Pls.

-ACKK. Oh my god. Jem went and through the yin fen in the fire and then Will put his hands straight in there to get it out. PHEW THAT WAS INTENSE.

-I love how fierce Tessa is. When she says she’ll go to Mortmain so that Jem can have yin fen and Jem says even if she went, he’d still refuse to take the drug, she’s like “You would not insult me by hurling a sacrifice I made for you back in my face like that.”

-HHAHA now Sophie is am accomplice of the Lightwoods and their letters.

-THEY KNOW WHERE MORTMAIN IS. THINGS ARE GETTING SERIOUS!!

-Sophie and Gideon are the cutest. Sophie’s like “stop saying scones” and “they’re not my scones” and “drink your posset” and Gideon’s just like “All right.” Then Sophie’s like “Fine. If you don’t like scones, how about sponge cake?”

-NOOOO. Now Gabriel’s going to spy on Charlotte! And I can’t even feel mad at him because it’s such a hard situation and he’s got nobody to confide in ….

-YES MAGNUS. EVERY CHAPTER NEEDS MAGNUS.

-I love Will and Magnus’ relationship so much! Magnus is becoming Will’s confidante and Magnus takes care of Will.

-AHHHH Jem found out Will loves Tessa! He was like “What did Magnus mean by asking you if I knew you were in love with Tessa?” when Will and Magnus thought Jem was at death’s door and Will’s just like, shit.

-YES WILL TO THE RESCUE.

-When Will leaves and Charlotte is distraught, Magnus is all like “Not my problem, I’m just in the library reading about rabies and minding my own business”.

-Gabriel is like “Will may be a reprehensible person” but then he sees Cecily and is like “He might not be that reprehensible a person in entirety.” Oh Gabriel.

-Magnus: “All Lightwoods look the same to me-” HAHAHA. Just you wait and see, Magnus.

-Tessa: “Then I’ll have to rescue myself.” YOU GO GIRL.

-GABE AND CECY IS LIFE. Cecily is like “I think it was excessive to hurl him into the canal.” And Gabriel – “He’ll float.”

-AWW Magnus is genuinely interested in Henry’s inventions.

-SEE IT’S TRUE THAT TESSA LOVES WILL. JUST ASK SOPHIE. SHE EVEN CALLS FOR HIM WHEN SHE SLEEPS AND THOSE FLOWERS AHHH IM JUST SO HEARTBROKEN FOR TESSA.

-Gabriel: “Hiding here, are you? … That’s awkward.” Cecily: “Why?” Gabriel: “I had intended to hide here myself.”

-OH MAN WILL WAS SO CLOSE TO TESSA AND HE COULD HAVE SAVED HER BUT NOOOO. HE WENT RIGHT BY.

-WHAAAAAA-CASSANDRA CLARE ACTUALLY DID KILL OFF JEM!!! WOAH. AND JEM’s deaddddd!!!!! Ahhhhh! And Will’s parabatai rune starts to bleed and fades to silver and I CAN’T HANDLE IT. AND then he’s fighting the wolves then Woolsey Scott comes and saves him and gives him a telling off.

-Starkweather reveals the truth! I KNEW HE WAS RELATED TO TESSA. He’s her grandfather, not father (he’s too old, besides) but STILL. I KNEW IT.

-NO DON’T SEND THE LETTER GABRIEL. YOU CAN’T BETRAY CHARLOTTE. STAHP!!!

-I used to think Mortmain was a bit of a cliched villain … too evil … but I almost feel sorry for him knowing what was done to his parents.

-NOOOO. EVERYTHING SEEMS DOOMED. THE CLOCKWORK DEVICES WILL NOW BE UNSTOPPABLE.

-YES. PHEW. OMG. THAT SCENE WITH GABRIEL CONFESSING THE TRUTH WAS SO FRICKIN INTENSE. HE DIDN’T SEND THE LETTER. WE CAN ALL BREATHE NOW. AND HE’S JUST CHANGED SO MUCH FOR THE BETTER AND I’M SO PROUD OF HIM. AND NOW SOPHIE’S GOING TO MARRY GIDEON. AND THEN GABRIEL AND CECILY ARE EAVESDROPPING ON THEM AND THEY’RE HOLDING HANDS AWWWWWWW.

-Again, I’m surprised Cecily was that close to Will that she wanted to bring him home so badly. But yeah, Cecily is totally a Shadowhunter through and through.

-It’s true! Will might have seemed like the typical bad boy with a troubled past but he’s absolutely not. He’s an extremely good, upright person.

-GOD, MORTMAIN IS A TOTAL MONSTER. Destroying a whole village of people just to prove a point!!

-Guys. Mortmain’s life is linked to the devices. THE ONLY WAY TO DESTROY THE DEVICES IS TO KILL MORTMAIN. HE HAS TO GO.

-JUST LIKE THAT WILL IS WITH TESSA. OMGOMGOMG.

-Ahhhh this is heartbreaking! They’re talking about the first time they ever met and it feels so far away and in a time when they were so young and innocent and now everything has changed and can never be the same. AND OMG Will is so stupid to just go running to Tessa but it’s alright and he’s Will. What else would he have done?

-WOAH. GUYS. I DIDN’T EXPECT YOU GUYS TO GO HAVE SEX RIGHT THEN AND THERE LIKE WHAT IF MORTMAIN APPEARED? BUT OKAY FINE YOU GUYS ARE GONNA DIE SOON YOU DO YOU. #willandtessaforever

-Yes, Magnus is gonna help them defeat Mortmain!

-Gabriel: “Well, I think Henry and Magnus should go first. They invented the blasted thing.” Gideon: “It’s like he’s replaced Will. They say all the same sorts of things.” Gabriel: “I am not like Will.”

-I shouldn’t have but I totally cheered when Wayland died.

-‘”Well,” said a very amused voice. “This is unexpected.”‘ I WAS SO FRICKIN TERRIFIED THAT IT WAS MORTMAIN.

-HAHAHA Magnus is always walking in on Will and Tessa. And always saving them from embarrassing themselves in front of other people.

-AHHH TESSA AND WILL FOREVER. Also, he really has the dragon of Wales tattooed on his ass OMG.

-No, Henry is not dead. He is not dead. It can’t be! Just like that?

-WHAT THE HELL WHAT IN ACTUALL HELL. JEM??? A SILENT BROTHER????? WHAAAAATTT?

-But no. It’s just not the same when Jem is a Silent Brother and besides, he said he wouldn’t want to be one. IT DOESN’T FEEL RIGHT AT ALL.

-Phew! Henry is alive! He’s paralysed but he will live.

-WOAH. That was one amazing scene! It’s the climax of the story. Tessa changes into an angel because she has her clockwork angel with a real and powerful angel trapped inside. Then she just crushes Mortmain. And it makes so much sense! Tessa’s story started with the clockwork angel and that’s what saved them all in the end. And her gift as well; it was the only thing that could defeat Mortmain. IT’S SUCH AN AWESOME PERFECT ENDING. IT DID HAPPEN REALLY QUICKLY BUT IT’S SO PERFECT IM NOT GONNA FIND FAULT WITH IT.

-YASS Gabriel and Cecily officially kissed.

-Will in charge of the Institute? Not exactly the idea I’d have come up with.

-Poor Jem! He’s just going to live forever (or practically forever) without Tessa, without Will, without being able to marry, and without music! Why?!

-That letter Will wrote to Tessa … THEY WERE MEANT TO BE OKAY? I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise.

-I WANT TO LEARN HOW WILL GOT HIS TATTOO DAMMIT WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP INTERRUPTING HIM.

-Ok, so I totally ship Gabriel and Cecily but … woah there! No need to make marriage plans just yet ….! Slow down!

-The only thing I can really say I disliked about the book is the epilogue (don’t read epilogues guys …). Jem’s no longer a Silent Brother? And now he’s with Tessa? It just feels like a huge cop out. But I can deal with it because everything else was PERFECT.

_______________

I mean, okay. These books weren’t perfect. The two main problems I had were that the dialogue didn’t read realistically and some bits could definitely have been written better. But seriously INFERNAL DEVICES IS LIFE. AND NOW LET ME GO READ TMI. AND WATCH SHADOWHUNTERS. AND READ THE BANE CHRONICLES SPEAKING OF WHICH OMG. A BOOK ABOUT MAGNUS???? HOW ABOUT YES???

Bleeding out

There’s a famous quote I’m sure you’ve heard: “There’s nothing to writing. You just sit at a typewriter and bleed”.

It’s frustratingly true.

Ok, on the one hand it illustrates how writing just can’t be analysed. There’s no shortcut. You just have to DO it.

But I think there’s another meaning to it.

Writing is exhausting – mentally, emotionally, even physically. It’s not as easy as simply typing words. It’s more like vomiting words or stripping naked. It takes something out of you.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing.

I can write at any time, but I write best when it’s quiet and I have set aside a large amount of time for writing. That gives me time to “get into the zone” – that space where the words just flow from my brain. It’s almost like being taken out of reality and sucked into the story.

To write a good story it has to have some element of personality. That’s where the pain and the blood, sweat, and tears come in. At the end of the day, it’s the emotions and what the story makes the readers feel that makes it most effective … It’s the personality – the “you”ness that sets it apart from other stories.

So the quote … it’s frustratingly true.

You bleed yourself out whenever you write a story.

You have to think, too, and plan and plot and push yourself to form the ideas and feelings into sentences, yes. There is definitely not NOTHING to writing.

But you also need that rawness and that honesty. That blood. It’s something that can’t be forced and neither is it easy.

It’s guts spilling out on the page and extracting out your essence, slowly, surely, for the world to see.

 

FANGIRLISH THOUGHTS ON WINTER BY MARISSA MEYER 

AIIIIIIEEEE IM NOT A COHERENT PERSON RIGHT NOW. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ok. So I read Winter, the fourth book in the Lunar Chronicles series by Marissa Meyer and IT. WAS. FREAKIN. AMAZING. I wrote a post about not wanting to write book reviews a while ago but … NAH THERE’S NO WAY IM NOT GOING TO WRITE A REVIEW FOR THIS.

This won’t be a normal review, though, but a sort of commentary on the ENTIRE book, because IT’S THAT GOOD. Eeeeeeekkk! This post is also uber long, at more than 3000 words! I just really need to talk about it, ya know?

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(Spoilers for Winter … and the previous Lunar Chronicle books. This IS the fourth book in the series, after all. You can skip to the end of the post for a non-spoilery conclusion of my feelings for this book.)

(Also – warning: This post contains A TON OF CAPS.)

***

– AHHHHHH First of all, the cover is GORGEOUS. I didn’t really like it when I first saw pictures online, but when you see it on the book itself, in lifesize, IT WORKS SO WELL.

– The first scene in the book is beautifully done, with Winter witnessing the trial and execution of an innocent man (I mean, innocent Lunar,). I love the way Meyer describes Winter slowing freezing during the trial. It really gives you a feeling for her character and the horror of the whole event.

-Jacin is on trial! I mean, I know he’s gonna survive because I read this chapter in a sneak peek in Fairest and there’s like 800 more pages of the story to go but I’M STILL SCARED.

-AGH I hate Aimery so much. I want to … like, throw him off the moon. Hate him more than Levana.

-ooooh Winter’s using her madness to fool her guards into letting her out.

-EEEEEEEP. When Jacin and Winter first appeared in Cress, I had no idea if I would like them, as individuals AND as a couple. BUT THEY TURNED OUT TO BE MY FAVORITES! I love them as individual characters and I SHIP THEM SO HARD TOGETHER. I just have ALL THE FEEEEELS about them. I do love Cinder x Kai but Winter x Jacin is definitely my favorite ship in the series. I wonder if this has to do with the fact they’ve known each other since they were children whereas all the other couples met during their books. Winter and Jacin’s relationship is so real and you can really get a sense of how they feel for each other. They’re JUST PERFECT OKAY?

-Awwww, Cinder and Kai. I must admit, I do cringe a lot at how lovey-dovey their conversation is getting though. Like, sure, you guys make a cute couple but enough with the PDA!

-Cinder doesn’t want to control Kai – I love that! And then she comes up with a code word so he’ll always know if she’s controlling him.

-“Scarlet scowled. ‘Suck up.'” I MISS SCARLET.

-You know, the handwritten message in the candy box is sweet and all but if there are cameras in the menagerie, is it worth the risk? The note didn’t even have anything important on it that Winter hasn’t already told Scarlet. ***shrugs***

-“‘You will have a chance to tell your Wolf that you love him.'” This is why I love Winter. That honesty, man.

-Oh, I forgot about Emilie. She’s still in the story?

-I must confess, Cress x Thorne is my least favorite pairing. I love Thorne by himself and Thorne and Cinder’s friendship! And Cress is sweet and relatable. But I honestly don’t see how they work together! Is this just me? I don’t get any connection between them beyond friends. It’s probably why Cress is my least favorite book as well!

-Oh, Jacin should have been a doctor! I mean, he’d have to work on shells, but guards have to kill people so … it’s not a bad tradeoff.

-I love how Jacin is able to make his mind totally unreadable!

-Ok, we get it, Levana. You loved your dead husband very much. You don’t have to keep saying that. (And besides YOU KILLED HIM.)

-I never feared Levana in the first three books, tbh. She just didn’t seem like an intimidating villain but I’M REALLY SCARED OF HER NOW. All this intrigue and politics in Artemisia is killing me. And Jacin and Winter are caught right in the thick of it – get out of there!!

-Aw, Winter brings her model to the hallway so she can be with Jacin. And then she pretends not to see him just like how he’s ignoring her. SHIP SHIP SHIP.

-Thorne: ‘See that eye roll? It translates to “How am I possibly keeping my hands off you, Captain”.’ Cinder: ‘Yeah, keeping them from strangling you.'” I miss Cinder and Thorne banter!

-Cress STOP BEING SO SHY. You were in the desert with Thorne for days! Although to be fair, I get captivated by my own fingernails a lot, too, so I really shouldn’t talk …

-The whole Kai and Thorne ride to earth is nice but Thorne’s character development seems rather sudden … I don’t know! I don’t get Cress and Thorne’s characters at all!

-Why is Jacin so surprised Winter can embroider? He’s all like, when did you learn to EMBROIDER? It reminds me of when people have nothing to talk about so they just mention something they have absolutely no interest in to make small talk, like – “Ooh, your phone case is BLUE.”

-I LOVE how Jacin and Winter understand how they feel for each other! They’re not separated by misunderstandings or being too shy to confess their feelings and whatnot. It’s because of Levana that they’re separated. But they actually have decent communication skills! Can we give them a round of applause for that?

-Woah, Jacin. The way he threw the flower crown and yelled at the children … I feel sorry for those poor kids but I totally understand why Jacin did what he did! Still, he could have done it in a nicer way ….

– Torin being all protective over Kai: “Your face! … She promised me- …” He’s like a mother to Kai.

-The Kai and Levana phone call is packed with so much tension. You can just feel the psychotic vibes radiating from Levana.

-Um, that’s sweet how much you love Scarlet, but don’t you think you’re being a little obsessed, Wolf?

-“I’ll have a whiskey on the rocks.” Stupid Thorne is stupid.

-Awww, Winter asking Jacin if he thinks she looks pretty … And Jacin’s like, “Are you trying to drive me crazy? … I’m busy protecting you from unknown threats.”

– Go die in a hole, Aimery. (PS There’s no freaking way Winter is going to marry you.)

-Winter to Kai: “With your upcoming nuptials, you’re practically my father”. Laughing out loud here.

-AHHHH Levana’s gonna find Cinder and her crew and Kai’s going to be in such trouble! (I was freaking out while reading and my little sister was just looking at me like ‘lol wut?’)

-Cinder: “Do I have permission to take control of you first? Just your bodies, not your minds.” Thorne: “I’ve been waiting for you to admit you wanted my body.”

-Iko protecting Cress … Iko is a good protector.

-***gasp*** I forgot there would be a huntsman!

-Oooh, Winter is smart, pretending to be enamoured with presents to hide how she’s helping Cress. Also, phew. Cress is safe.

-Wolf is reunited with his mother!

-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHH! OH NO! Jacin’s supposed to kill Winter???? Levana’s all like, “And you are going to kill her.” And Jacin says, “No,” before he can stop himself. Then he begs Aimery to ask Winter to marry him again or banish her … Only when Levana threatens to get Jerrico to do it then he agrees. AHHHHHHHHHHHH.

-Jacin: ‘You don’t know who I am.’ Scarlet: ‘Sure I do. I can’t get the princess to shut up about you.’

-OMG THIS SCENE. IS. AMAZING. It’s easily my favorite scene in the whole book. Jacin gets Winter to meet him in the menagerie and she’s hoping he’s going to confess his love for her, etc. But then she sees he looks all gloomy and grim. And Jacin’s like “I was stupid to think I could protect you forever.” And then he tells her Levana wants to kill her and Winter’s more disappointed that Jacin ISN’T confessing his love than that Levana wants her dead. And she realises Jacin was asked to kill her and SHE DOESN’T even think of herself. She’s upset Jacin is being forced to  do it because she knows it’s painful for him but she’s relieved it’s him because she knows he would never want to hurt her. And then she’s like I’m going to die so what does politics matter? and she kisses him and he’s like I’m never going to see her again so I’m gonna kiss her like it’s my last day and then Winter thinks he’s going to stab her but he kills the wolf instead !! And Jacin: “The next time someone says they’re going to kill you, don’t just let them.” AND OMG. I was internally screaming throughout this whole scene. I WAS SO TERRIFIED AND EMOTIONAL. THIS SCENE IS JUST WRITTEN SO BRILLIANTLY WITH SO MUCH TENSION AND PAIN. AND THEN THE WHOLE KISSING THING IS LIKE YOU CAN FEEL ALL THE PENT UP ROMANTIC TENSION BEING RELEASED.

– “I’m giving you five seconds to get your act together and decide to help me or else I am leaving you behind with your dead wolf and bleeding walls. Got it?” Gotta love Scarlet.

-When Winter and Scarlet see a man and woman being all intimate, Winter’s like: “That was not her husband.” and Scarlet’s like “I really don’t care.”

-I love Scarlet and Winter’s friendship!

-LEVANA IS STUPID. Like, Jacin frickin loves Winter. Then he’s like I killed her and I BURNED HER BODY. THERE’S NO BODY, WHAT? Doesn’t that just scream suspicion? Don’t you remember what happened with Selene?! Of course he didn’t kill her! And sure maybe Levana doesn’t realise. But you would have thought Aimery or Jerrico would have been smarter and realised something was up. I thought they were smarter! But, I mean, it’s algood if they believe him! It’s just …. stupid villains.

-“It was amusing to see such emotion revealed when it was normally so impossible to aggravate him.” I love this scene though, no mistake.

– “I’m not sure you have to DO anything to earn Levana’s wrath.” Absolutely correct.

-YES SCARLET AND WINTER ARE SAFE.

-I’m kind of sad that Winter and Cinder never became good friends like they were as children but I guess that’s to be expected. They’ve both changed a lot. At least we have Winter and Scarlet!

-“Thorne cleared his throat … there was an edge to his expression, like he didn’t trust anyone who was more attractive than he was.”

-Awww Wolf’s mother is so sweet.

– Pearl is still in the story?

-Scarlet: “Good speech.” Cinder: “Thanks. Kai wrote most of it.”

-“What about Winter?” AHHHHH. With everyone else, I’m like, they can deal with a little wear and tear. BUT NOT WINTER. SHE IS MY PRECIOUS.

-Aimery? You again? I thought I told you to go away.

-I feel so bad for the poor girl whose brother was singled out in the crowd. I totally don’t hold it against her that she gave Wolf’s mother away.

-OMG?!!!! They made Maha break her own fingers!!!

-Cinder and Wolf are captured?!

-Oh, that was smart of Thorne to pretend to be going to attack Scarlet so the guards would leave them alone.

-SCARLET COULD HAVE KILLED AIMERY. But I understand why she didn’t! Still … I would have cheered if she had …

-WOOHOO! Get em Iko!

-Iko is seriously awesome. She can’t be controlled, and it’s hard to injure her … I LOVE HER. And then she’s like “Bite me.” And Jerrico is like “Tempt me.”

-NOOOO NOT WINTER.

-Oooooooh, we have a new ally in Kinney! Also, I like the name Liam so I can’t help but be biased toward him …

-Ok, I get that Levana wants to make a statement by killing Cinder on her wedding day. But seriously? Seriously? YOU SHOULD ORDER HER TO BE KILLED ON SIGHT IDIOT. She was so close to death when Aimery decided they would kill her later … When will villains grow brains?

– What? Cinder imprisoned with Pearl and Adri?!

-Ooh, Winter has a dream where Levana gives her the comb! That makes so much sense. I didn’t think they would have Levana trick Winter multiple times so having the first trick happen as a dream is PERFECT.

-AHHHH SOMEONE DISCOVERED CRESS.

-Oh, it was just Kinney.

-I love this scene. Like, yes, Kinney’s helping Jacin! And they bond over how much they both hate Jerrico!

-Bride/groom-takes-forever-to-say-I-do cliche

-I was so confused in the wedding vows scene! Like, they started calling Levana Cinder, and then I thought Cinder had been glamouring herself as Levana and Kai didn’t know or he DID know and wanted to see if he was being tricked, but it turns out, Levana was glamouring herself as Cinder! THE LUNARS AND THEIR GLAMOURS ARGH. Also, Kai could have killed Levana! But ok, I get that that’s just not him … Plus there’s still half more of the book …

-Jacin DID sell them out on earth, and Thorne DID say he’d punch Jacin. Still NOBODY TOUCHES JACIN.

-Still hate Adri and Pearl. Especially Adri.

-AGH I hate these Lunars. It’s not just Queen Levana and her thaumaturges. The whole crowd wants blood!

-Aimery: “I am afraid I must inform Your Majesty that there has been a disturb-” Levana: “Clearly there is a disturbance!” Man, I love how Levana is gradually getting annoyed at Aimery’s simpering.

-Ouch. I’ve read about CPR and reviving a person and you have to be careful to put enough pressure but not SO much that you’ll break the person’s ribs. Ouch.

-Winter: “I will get you your pack.” Oooooh, so is Scarlet going to be like the alpha female and control all the wolf-men? That would be awesome, buuuuuut I’m really not confident with this plan … I do sort of think the soldiers are going to want to eat Winter and Scarlet …

-Woohoo! Go Scarlet! I love how she’s all no-nonsense and as fierce as any wolf-man.

-WOAHHHHHHH. No way! No way! It’s a miracle! Just like that, the wolves are turning on the thaumaturges! THEY’RE JOINING WINTER AND SCARLET.

-“Winter … who could make a rock fall in love with her if she smiled at it the right way.”

-OH! OH! I have a prediction! I remembered that the stepmother gives Snow White a poisoned apple. I’m 99.9999% sure that Levana will give Winter a candy apple that will give her the mutated plague!

-Iko: “Cress and I are geniuses.” Thorne: “I helped.” Iko: “He held the lamp.” Thorne: “Jacin did nothing.” Iko: “Jacin checked … pulse and breathing.” Thorne: “I could have done that.” Never change, Thorne. Also, I love how jealous Thorne is of Jacin.

-MY PREDICTION IS CORRECT. Also AHHHHHH Now Winter and Scarlet both have the plague!

-OH NO POOR WOLF. He’s been genetically modified AGAIN to be even more wolfish. And the way the thaumaturges punish the soldiers … !

-Oh man, the Lunar magic what with all the controlling and glamour is the WORST. You can’t trust yourself to do what you want and you can’t even trust other people – THEY MIGHT NOT BE WHO THEY LOOK LIKE.

-“Now eat your meal like a good dog.” I’M RAGING SO HARD HERE.

-Kai is a good emperor! He might not be the smartest person but he genuinely cares for his people and I’m so glad he has a backup plan in case Cinder’s doesn’t work (even if that plan DOES end with him dying)!

-YAYY THEY’RE GETTING THE ANTIDOTE.

-Hmm. Yeah. I mean, the whole Cress x Thorne resolving their miscommunications scene is sweet and all but I’m not feeling it. I’m just not feeling it.

-I love how Cress gets a laughing fit when Thorne tells her to act natural because that’s totally what I would do!

-Now Jacin is driving super fast and dangerously because he’s desperate to get to Winter in time! AHHHHH YES HURRY UP JACIN!!!

-YESSSSSSS WINTER IS HEALED AHHHHHHHH YESSSSSS PHEWWWWWW. AND I SHIP WINTER AND JACIN SO BADLY ARGH LIKE STOP BEING SO CUTE GUYS

-When Cress is in the elevator and a group of Earthens enter, you realise the contrast between Lunars and Earthens. I mean, sure, there are terrible humans but they just seem like – I dunno – harmless puppies compared to Lunars.

-“The Brooch of Eternal Starlight.” Yeah. You’re a great liar, Kai.

-“Kai barrelled down the hallway, glad no one was around to see him sprinting in his coronation finery.” Kai in a sentence.

-At the coronation … Levana: “It seems they found one of Cinder’s accomplices … Carswell Thorne. I don’t suppose you know what he was attempting to accomplish here?” Kai: “Perhaps he felt slighted at not receiving an invitation.”

-Cinder: “They’re on our side.” Strom: “We grow impatient to shred Levana and her court into tiny, bite-size pieces. We will suck the marrow from their bones and drink their blood as if it were fine wine.” Iko: “Good thing they’re on our side.”

-Wolf could have killed Levana!

-Levana is a horrible person, it’s totally true, and she’s deceiving everyone by always using her glamour. Still, when everyone is shocked at the video … I feel it’s really superficial. Levana should be seen for what she’s DONE not for how she LOOKS. I do feel sorry for Levana, that everyone judges her for her natural looks.

-Awwww. Scarlet and Wolf are so sweet! Wolf’s been modified again until he’s even more animalistic but it doesn’t matter at ALL to Scarlet. She isn’t even ashamed or upset about it. And then when Wolf says, “I am so sick of the taste of blood” …. just AHH. IT’S SO SAD. And so touching how he’s still the same at heart even though he’s been modified.

-Kinney: “You’re that disturbing robot.” Iko: “Wow. He’s pretty and smart.” YES I SHIP IT. Even if shipping a Lunar with a robot is weird … I STILL SHIP IT.

-Guard: “When she catches you, my queen will eat your heart with salt and pepper.” Cinder: “Well my heart is half synthetic, so it’ll probably give her indigestion.”

-AHHHHH It’s Aimery! And he’s making Winter kill Jacin! Ahhhh now he’s gonna control Scarlet!

– OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!! Winter is using her mind control powers! AND MAKING SCARLET STAB AIMERY.

-The chapter after that …. OMG. It’s so vivid and you can feel the madness in Winter and the pain and guilt as she loses control and becomes consumed in killing Aimery. “She knew she would have kept stabbing and stabbing and stabbing and stabbing and stabbing until Aimery was nothing but chopped bits of flesh and smiles.” And “Reality disintegrated. The world was a thousand cumbersome pixels tearing apart.” The scene is written so well and IT IS SO CHILLING. IT’S AMAZING.

-Levana: “Why do you want to take everything from me?” Cinder: “You’re the one who married MY boyfriend!” Cinder finally admits it!

-When Levana explains how she got her scars … YOU CAN’T HELP BUT FEEL SORRY FOR HER. No child should have gone through what she went through and it’s easy to understand why she is psychopathic now.

-I read in a few reviews for this book that the ending was anticlimactic or too easy so I was a little apprehensive. But I actually really love the ending!

-OMG Thorne stabbed Cress IN THE STOMACH!! That could easily be fatal. And Cress shot off two of his fingers! And Thorne is sobbing and apologising and Cress is biting him.

-The final showdown between Cinder and Levana is amazing! They’re fighting Lunar style so they’re struggling to control each other’s minds. I’m pretty sure such a fight scene is VERY difficult to write but Meyer does it flawlessly. The whole scene is full of tension and excitement.

-NO CINDER DON’T TRUST LEVANA. HAVEN’T YOU LEARNT THAT BY NOW? Sure enough, Levana goes and stabs Cinder once Cinder stops the mind fight and then Cinder shoots Levana and they both go falling off the throne room. But of course Levana dies in the end. It had to happen and honestly I’m not sorry!

-Aw, Emilie. She’s so human. I love it. She reminds me of real girls I’ve met.

-I’m so happy Scarlet and Wolf get their happy ending. Although I am a little concerned for Wolf. Isn’t he still perpetually hungry after they modified him?

-Kai: “With all that was going on, we never even had time to consummate.” Cinder: “Unnecessary information.” xD

-“Hello, snow girl. I’m glad to meet you too.” ***sighs happily***

-Cinder as a Queen is hilarious. She’ll make a wonderful ruler though.

-THORNE GETS THE RAMPION YAYYYY. Also … Thorne’s like “The actual president of the American Republic … made the deal. You should have seen how unhappy he looked about it.” Oh, man I’m gonna miss Thorne so much and how much he manages to annoy everyone.

-I love Thorne’s honesty when he tells Cress he’s told twenty-three girls he loved them. And then Cress is thinking, she doesn’t even KNOW twenty four people … I STILL don’t really see their relationship working out long term but as individuals, I think they’re very developed characters.

-I WANT A SPINOFF STORY ABOUT KINNEY AND IKO. Can we have that, please?!

-THAT WAS CRUEL KAI. Like it seemed like he would propose and he just gave Cinder her foot!

-Cinder: “I’m going to make it a law that the correct way to address your sovereign is by giving a high five.” Kai: “That’s genius. Me too.” That IS genius.

***

In conclusion, this was a FRICKIN AMAZING book. I was hooked from beginning to end. I think it’s very well written and considering the many POVS and storylines, that’s a huge feat! it’s also hard to write good series finales so props to Marissa Meyer! I loved all 800 and something pages. Sure, the book’s long, but IT NEEDED THOSE PAGES. I’m totally satisfied and this is definitely my favorite of the four books in the series. The writing was great; it made me feel things and kept me turning pages desperately and it was really beautiful at some moments. The characters were wonderful and I WILL SHIP WINTER AND JACIN FOREVER. It also made me laugh a lot.

THIS BOOK JUST HAS EVERYTHING PEOPLES.

 

 

Deleting the past

I have a chronic habit of deleting old blogs. A week or so ago, I decided to revisit some of my old blogs that were still up … It brought about a mixed bag of feelings …

I was incredibly different as recently as two years ago. My beliefs, values, opinions, interests, and even personality were different, and – I’m honestly not proud of the girl I used to be. Yet the fact is, I can remember some of those feelings from two years ago and I know that I only ever meant well and I only wanted to do what was right. Sure, that girl was naive about life and things. But I don’t think I should be ashamed of her. And even if I did have something to be ashamed of about her … she was me. I won’t say she IS me. But without her, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. She was the stepping stone and an integral part of my life.

I cringe so much at who I used to be and the things I used to do and the words I used to write. But at one point that was me. What does it say about me that I want to hide the past?

The Internet is a gift and a curse. I started writing a blog at around 11 years old (although it was a private blog, thankfully) and giving someone of that age the ability to share virtually anything with complete strangers from all over the world is rather terrifying. Imagine if everyone knew what we were like at 11. When you think about it that way, it seems a gift that archives from the past can be deleted. Because archives from the past can be deleted (as long as you’re not too famous on the Internet). But that can be a curse as well.

Think about real life. With the Internet, if you obtain a pseudonym, no one knows it was YOU who did it and you can always start over. In real life you can’t erase someone’s memory of yourself and it’s much harder to be anonymous. So our pasts inevitably stay with us. We don’t have the option of deleting them so we are forced to learn to come to terms with them. I mostly try to avoid thinking about the embarrassing or bratty moments of my past but what do you know? The people in my life still love me. Those things happened and people saw and I survived. It’s all turned out fine. I turned out fine. I didn’t ruin my life.

Should we delete the past if we don’t like it? I’m not going to say a flat out no. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong in wanting to erase the less than stellar moments of our lives and I won’t fault you for wanting that. After all, the internet is a public place and I know I would rather not torture the Internet with younger me (or even current me … I’ll probably regret this blog in future). And it is possible to make mistakes with huge consequences that will bite us in future.

But I just want to say – and I guess this is more as a note to myself than anyone else – that we shouldn’t be afraid of regrets. Or, to rephrase that, we shouldn’t have to be haunted by regrets.

The past is what it is. We do things we’re not proud of. Many of them have consequences and we have to live with them. But it’ll be alright in the end.

Live and do your best.

2015 in Review – I’d Say It’s Been An Epic Year

Last year was a year of many changes and many firsts … largely due to one thing – I went to school for the first time (Technically it wasn’t the first time if you count that half year in school in Year 3, but no, I don’t quite count that.) Because I love lists and they make everything orderly and sensible, here are some notable occurences and thoughts of 2015 in 1,2,3. In no particular order … 

  • First day I went to school I was terrified. So frickin terrified. There were PEOPLE … TEENAGERS everywhere. My ultimate fear.
  • I knew nobody and everybody else seemed to know each other.
  • I packed waaay too many things in my bag the first days (two water bottles, super fat lunchbox, all my school supplies, all my textbooks even when I didn’t have that subject that day … why?)
  • I didn’t need quite a few things on the stationery list. Like, what’s up with that giant folder and giant sketchpad we never used?
  • I got lost in the school and was late to all my classes the first few days, inevitably making me stand out and feel extra embarrassed like I wasn’t already. Traumatic. 
  • I experienced a lot of firsts related to school – first spirit day, first prizegiving, first field trip, first time singing the school song and the national anthem, first parent/teacher day …
  • The first girl I made friends with – that ended up not being so great (although it was alright in the end and she was really good about it) … If I could do it again, I’d be a bit less desperate for making friends and more choosy, but I’d also be nicer and much less dramatic. I still feel kinda bad about the stuff I did but … I guess you live and you learn.
  • I’ve learned how to write an essay to a marking scheme, so I can sort of “hack” the system to get good grades. That may or may not be a good thing.
  • When I compare my socialisation skills in Term 1 to now, I feel very accomplished. And I definitely cringe (a lot) at my past self.
  • I realised just how terrible the essays I wrote while I was homeschooled were. Way too preachy and simplistic, with repetitive sentences. I’ve improved a lot now and I’m happy to have better examples of my essay skills than I had before. 
  • I’m so glad I didn’t go straight to uni but went to high school first or I would be really out of my depth …
  • I’m so glad I’m finally finished with ALL math courses! Took my last compulsory one and I’ll never have to take one again.
  • I realized for sure that I want to study something “arts” related (like humanities, performing arts, social sciences, etc.)
  • I got a Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, and Wattpad.  Also, Snapchat, Viber, and Skype. Year of the Social Media. 
  • I started my three newest blogs which I’m pretty happy with so far! Hopefully they will last a long time and I WON’T up and abandon them.
  • I completed one novel, which I do think is my best yet.
  • I set a record score of 14,000 words written in a day (whoop!).
  • I went to the cinema for the first time in years.
  • I watched a ton of movies and some shows (at home and at school – perks of taking media studies!) and caught up on quite a few famous ones – High School Musical, Avengers, Game of Thrones, etc. It was awesome. 
  • I read probably 30+ books.
  • I started a bank account.
  • I bought things for the first time. Will you believe it or not – I’ve never bought things before? I’ve always just taken things other people bought for me.
  • I made a CV and applied for a job for the first time .. had my first job interview (was terrible!)
  • I joined a choir.
  • I joined clubs and committees – and kind of hated it cause I joined all the ones I wasn’t interested in. (Who can fathom why I do the things I do?)
  • I suspected someone had a crush on me (and said person’s friend seemed pretty convinced we were together) and totally freaked out. Avoided said person after that. Was mildly rude to said person. Needless to say, I have a few regrets with regards to behavior towards said person … I never reciprocated feelings but I probably should have freaked out less and, you know, explained stuff in words. Communication and all that. You live and you learn!
  • I started learning French again and advanced significantly using Duolingo compared to two years of studying with textbooks.
  • I started listening to some awesome bands like 5SOS.
  • I completed Grade 3 level theory.
  • I learned how to sing harmonies to songs (sort of).
  • I played tennis and badminton but no netball as I’d been planning to!
  • I volunteered at the school library.
  • I received good grades this year! But not perfect grades by any means, so it pulls me back down to earth.
  • I got a practically new wardrobe from the one early in the year, with clothes that actually fit me and I actually like! 
  • I did take some risks. Sorta. I said hello to people even if they hadn’t said hello to me! I spoke up in class. And I added the majority of my Facebook friends instead of waiting and hoping they’d add me first. That should count for something right?
  • I wrote four new songs that I’m quite satisfied with.
  • I got my learners license.
  • I drank coffee for the first time. 
  • I tried different candies and sodas (ahh, the little things in life …)
  • I became my brother’s English teacher (gonna improve that role this year)
  • I took exams for the first time (five of them – I think I did well … results are out on Jan 13th! Ahhh!)
  • I made a lot of friends (considering I had none before outside my family and online) and I found people I get along with. And I’m super happy to have met such awesome people!

Annnd I’m pretty sure I forgot something … All in all, 2015 went really well though. I could have done some things differently – and better – but you have to make mistakes to learn. (As cliched as that maxim is, it’s true.) I learned so much (and honestly I learned many of these from school – things I would not otherwise have learned. I think you can tell I LOVE school and am really grateful for the opportunity to go there, even if it does mean I have an embarrassing moment practically every day!). I’m still the same person I was before, when it all comes down to it but (I hope) I’m more confident. And this year I hope to be a little bit braver … kinder … friendlier …

And I’m definitely going to keep a list of my 2016 adventures. It’ll be awesome to look back on it and see again how far I’ve come and how much more there is in store. 

Hiding my face in a paper bag

I have this thing where whenever someone I don’t know tries to talk to me, I feel the irresistible urge to run away. To hide my face in a paper bag and never see them again.

It’s not that I hate people. I love people. I love human interaction. I think I’m a people person.

It’s just … I’m terrified. Terrified of people. Terrified of not being good enough. Terrified of being boring, annoying, or offensive and driving people away. I’m terrified and incredibly intimidated of people.

In real life, I can’t run away. I mean, I suppose I could in the literal sense but that would be a little bit awkward … But even so, I can’t completely avoid people. I go to school and see the same classmates every week so I’m forced to somehow endure the terror of social interaction and eventually I become friends with these people and it’s not so scary anymore.

But it’s different online. When the interaction is online, running away becomes a plausible and quite tempting option.

I don’t have the greatest online track record.

I abandoned my old blog without a single warning … Just disappeared from the blogosphere.

I abruptly stopped emailing my penpal even though she’s been there for me when I needed her and we had gotten quite close at one period.

I started a business of Fiverr and forgot all about it. When two people bought my service and gave bad reviews because I forgot to deliver, I put my account on hold and vowed never to use it again.

When people talked to me on Twitter or I tagged people, I logged out of my account for three months.

When I comment on people’s blogs, I don’t always check for replies especially if I said something heartfelt or particularly meaningful to me.

Sometimes I do things online that I later regret or I write about something controversial or extremely personal. And that’s usually … relatively ok, because it’s online. I can just abandon my account, or blog, or whatever platform. I do post pictures of myself sometimes, but I have an alias, and separate social media linked with my pen name.

This time around, it’s a little bit different. I linked my personal social media to this blog, for instance. Should I have? I don’t know. To be honest, the main reason I linked the accounts was so I could have those pretty icons on my sidebar, and I didn’t want to start separate accounts for my writing persona because it’s just too much haste and too hard to maintain. And that’s a legit reason. I also used my own email for my blog.

If I ever want to abandon this blog, I could just transfer my email account so I can start a new one, but again it’s a lot of hassle. And if I begin mixing the lines between personal social media and the blogosphere, it’s going to be harder to hide.

But I mean, I’m scared. Chances are, I’m going to do something I regret and wish I could change my name, wear a paper bag on my head, and move to a different planet rather than face up to it. And I guess the truth is, online relationships don’t matter all that much to me. That does make me sound cold, I know. I guess it just doesn’t feel as important as my IRL relationships so it always gets put on the back burner and I end up abandoning online friends and personas because I don’t care enough. That does make me feel like a terrible person.

I don’t even know what my point is … I guess it’s just to say that it’s nice being anonymous and having a blog where nobody reads what you write, and nobody comments … At the same time, I do like interacting with people online. I’m just not sure how far I’m willing to go with it. And I don’t want to end up being rude and yes, I’m terrified of driving anybody away.

But I guess I’ll try … try to be a bit more brave and run away less.