2019

Last year’s New Year’s Resolutions was a list of both goals and little things I hoped to tick off my bucket list. However, the first real fight in my relationship (which happened to occur just before Christmas) and the subsequent evaluation of the viability of the relationship made me realize that I didn’t have a clear sense of my values, beliefs, and goals. Although I knew what I was against, I felt like I lacked being for something. This really encouraged and propelled me to examine what my values and goals were and put them clearly into words.

This evaluation fit perfectly into the timing of New Years. The start of 2019 was in fact a perfect time to put these goals, beliefs, and values into being. This year, I’ve put a lot of thought into my New Year’s goals and they’ve been informed, created, and shaped according to my values … according to the image of the person I aspire to be and the steps needed to become that person … according to my world view … according to the image of my ideal partner (I believe you should emulate what you want to see and you will attract that – also there’s the issue of hypocrisy and all that) …

So really, my New Year’s goals are not simply goals but the attempt to evolve into my ideal self, to transform my self, to make the most of this life I’m living, and to get back in touch with who I am, who I want to be, and who I need to be. I have made some more general goals based on my general goals and values but also goals intended to help me achieve the general.

So without further ado, this year, I resolve to …

Learn and discover

I love learning. When I am unable to find happiness, my thirst for knowledge makes life worth living. It gives me meaning. I treasure knowledge and I treasure growth. I could never become my ideal self if I remained stagnant. I wish to be always growing because only then can I become the best I can be. My motto for this year is to never fear change and to strive to be always better than before.

That’s change and you can only achieve that through learning. But also, learning is one of the most rewarding things I’ve done. Discovering new things, feeling new experiences, and meeting new people opens up your eyes to the beauty and diversity of the human experience.

The goals

  • Practice French everyday (Learning another language introduces you to an entirely new culture and a new way of thinking and seeing the world. I’ve wanted to become fluent in French for so long but I’ve never stuck at it at a consistent enough pace to do that. I hope this year is the year that I do.)

 

  • Say YES to more things (This prompts you to do things outside of your comfort zone that you’ve never have dreamed of doing but that can change your life.)

 

  • Talk to people when you get the opportunity. Listen and share. Be friendly and sociable (I struggle with social anxiety so this will be different but I do crave human connections and socialization is a powerful education system. Uncovering the minds of people is not only key to understanding humanity but it brings so much joy and light to both people involved when there is a connection between two people.)

 

  • Go on a getaway out of Auckland (I have hardly traveled in New Zealand and while I would love to travel the entire world, it’s not easy with limited money and time. But I’m sure I can fit in one little getaway within the country and I’m excited!)

 

  • Join another club (I may not have time for this but I think it’d be a great idea to join a club related to one of my goals this year … perhaps French?)

 

  • GO TO COUNSELLING (I keep putting this off. I really think I should at least give it a try. My extreme emotions, depressed periods, occasional suicidal thoughts, constant identity crises, and social anxiety scream GET HELP  but I always find an excuse not to go. In the vein of self improvement and learning, I should do this.)

 

  • Surround yourself with people you want to be like/admire (This will really prompt self growth. I want to surround myself this year with people who uplift me and inspire me to grow.)

 

Spread love and positivity

 

  • Don’t say things about people that you wouldn’t behind their back (I try not to do this, but sometimes I fall back into gossiping because … hey, it’s fun sometimes and a way to bond with others. But it’s also a great way to create rumors and I would hate for other people to gossip about me. Gossiping at heart is about having fun by laughing at other people and judging their lives. Do I want to bond with people if the only way we bond is through our worst selves?)

 

  • Don’t judge other people. Be empathetic

 

Raise awareness and make the world better

 

  • Volunteer with psych work/mental health (My psych degree and possible goals to work in the field in future fit hand in hand with my desire to help others and my passion for spreading awareness about mental health.)

 

  • Write more about race, sex, and LGBT issues connect with my Chinese heritage (As a Chinese bisexual woman, these issues directly affect me and that’s given me a strong connection and passion for helping people like me … and simply people who are different. But I haven’t found a way to really put this passion to use. I love writing, however, and I always have something to say on this topic, so I think that would be a perfect project for me.)

 

  • Stop using disposable cups and straws (Get a damn reusable one. It’s not that hard.)

 

Study and work

These goals are intended to get me closer to gaining a career that I love, am good at, and that makes a meaningful change in the world. I haven’t settled on a single career to aim for but I would like perhaps to work in publishing, academia, or the entertainment industry. I also have an interest in careers and recruitment, libraries, and mental health.

  • Achieve a B+ or higher average (so I can do an honours degree if I choose)

 

  • Apply for jobs/opportunities that relate to the following careers: writer, editor, librarian, literary agent, research assistant, careers/recruitment, fashion, entertainment, music, teaching

 

  • Get research experience in English (and psych)

 

  • Get an internship/summer scholarship or job related to my job goals.

 

  • Apply to work at my university’s newspaper/publication (I actually applied before and got no reply but I’m willing to try again(

 

  • Engage in tutorial and lab discussions. Cultivate relationships with classmates and tutors/lecturers. ASK QUESTIONS. Go to office hours (Aside from gaining connections that will help me in my career, these actions simply make the university education richer and more impactful.)

 

  • Get my CV professionally evaluated

 

  • Go to careers workshops and postgrad workshops

 

Personal 

These goals are generally little things I want to do that will positively impact my mental health and help me establish my sense of personal identity.

  • Make my apartment room feel truly home (I adore my apartment and I do consider it my home. But I think that I could make a few more touches in terms of decor that could make it feels as homely and cozy as possible … if I have the money and time, I definitely will do this!)

 

  • Apply for NZ citizenship (NZ is my home!)

 

  • Get my restricted license (I’ve booked a test so let’s hope it comes to pass and then I pass.)

 

  • Cook at least one proper meal a week (vegetarian) when I’m at my apartment (Because I need to save money and eat healthily ya know.)

 

  • Get a part time job for a weekend day (For money.)

 

  • Go swimming often (Swimming is one of the few forms of physical activity that I love and I recently bought a pair of prescription goggles so I’m all set for the water this year.)

 

  • Write music. (Record it eventually. And record song covers.) Play music. Sing and dance. Perform as much as you can. Possibly buy a keyboard? (Music makes me really happy. I don’t have a keyboard at my apartment, sadly, so I’ve been considering making the investment to buy one, since I love the piano and always write songs on it. I would definitely make use of it. However, I don’t know if I have the space in my apartment for a keyboard and I’m hesitant about spending the money.)

 

  • Try out making YouTube videos (I’d like to make them in both English and French. I just want to try making them to see if I enjoy it.)

 

  • Read the classics I haven’t read yet (Of course I don’t aim to read them all this year or even all in the next ten years. But when I have the spare time, I think it would be a great idea to pick up one of the classics I have yet to discover.)

 

  • Make new friends and find my own “second family” (I have friends but haven’t found a group that I really mesh with. But I would absolutely love to find a group of people I enjoy being with who have similar values as me. I can’t guarantee I will accomplish this but the goal is to try.)

 

  • Do something everyday that makes you happy

Those seem like a lot of goals and they are. But they are all important to me and make me feel so excited for the coming year. Attempting these goals is like making peace with myself. These goals … they are necessary. And at least I do have a year to accomplish them. It’s going to be a busy year but a big one I think.

fear and ambition

I’ve talked about struggling with a lack of motivation and a desire for greatness. It’s a terrible combination.

But I’m here today to talk about a different aspect of ambition … it’s partly linked to my previous post. I’m talking about fear and ambition.

I have many goals I want to achieve and possible career paths to follow and knowledge I want to attain and ideas I want to realize. But so many of them require a huge amount of hard work, knowledge, talent, creativity, and effort.

And I think, I can’t possibly expect that I can gain that knowledge and that I have that talent and creativity and that I’ll be able to put in that hard work and effort.

I’ll leave it to someone else to do it … someone better, more qualified than I am.

And it’s partly motivated by laziness, this impulse, but it’s also motivated by fear.

Because … what if I can’t EVEN if I try?

Wouldn’t that be the most demoralizing? So it’s better to just not try.

Excuses. They’re all excuses.

I find it very hard to believe in myself. I am afraid … fucking terrified … that I can’t achieve anything that I wish. I know I won’t achieve everything because there simply isn’t enough time. But I’m terrified that I won’t be able to achieve just one. I’m terrified of the confirmation of my own incompetence.

But you know what? Fuck that fear. It’s pride. I don’t want to see how lousy I can be. But trying will do nothing for my goals other than bring me closer to them. Maybe I still won’t reach them but what’s the harm in that if I wasn’t even going to try in the first place?

I want to shoot for the stars. Goddamit I really do. I always have. But I shy away from it because I’m a coward and I’m proud and yes, I’m really fucking lazy and I lack resilience and I lack willpower.

But I’m still here and I’m still dreaming … in the rare moments when I forget myself and let myself dream.

So today I make the resolve to stop letting realism dictate my actions. I’ve always been a rather practical realistic person. It’s always been about what is possible and what is probable and what I can expect. And I really thought, I’m just being realistic and that’s a good thing because it saves me from disappointment.

No, it doesn’t. Because I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed at how much I think I need to limit myself and at how much I let myself be limited.

I can be a bit of an all or nothing girl. So if I’m going to have a goal … I want to have confidence in it or I simply won’t do it. Because I don’t have confidence, I need something else to put all into … I need some other 100 percent. For me, that has to be determination. That means putting my all into it. I don’t want to put in all and receive nothing to show for it.

If I choose a smaller goal, I could put in all and be sure to receive something to show for it.

At the end of the day, we all have one life. We can choose how we spend it. And yet, I think that if we’re going to die anyway, maybe it doesn’t really matter so much if we don’t reap rewards.

I would rather risk it and know that I chanced that my all was enough.