surrender

Another night in my new skin
Throw emotion to the wind
Just try to find a face that make me feel something

so. its the eighth night. it still feels so strange. and yet, you also feel so so far away. like knowing you was a dream.

im still the same person but in some ways, it does feel like a new skin. my life has changed. ive started doing new things to keep my mind busy: write more. go to club events more. study more.

im tempted to start finding hook-ups or dates. why? i guess i feel lonely. and there feels like theres something missing in my life. although i try to fill the hole of you with self betterment, it still feels empty. im not sure if they would bring me any joy though. could i find a face that makes me feel something?

i dont want to feel anything like i feel for you. no, that wouldnt be fair to you. but … i want to feel something. that would be better than feeling empty.

I’ve been trying to keep my distance
(I still need you, I still need you)
So hard to keep my distance
(I still need you, I still need you)

i have kept my distance but it hasnt been easy. no. these lines convey the inner struggle better than i could. i want to tell you so many things. i see a funny picture and i want to show it to you. i find new things every day that i think would interest you. i want to look good for you and i want you to see when i look good. i dont care if other people see me. youre the one i want to blow away.

And you make me want to stay
Cause you look so good
But I know you babe, and this can’t wait
Not one more touch
One more drink
One more minute
One more night

So I surrender
This is the moment I surrender

neither of us wanted to leave each other. i didnt want the evening to end. then i didnt want the night to end. then i had to make the morning last a little longer. and yet the end had to come. the last night together, the last kiss, the last word. the last drink, the last minute, the last night together. i feel so much grief and truth in these words. “one more….” it always leads to more than one. is it ever the last? i think our consolation came from the fact that we promised ourselves that it wouldnt be the last time. but we dont know that. maybe we have just put off the inevitable. maybe we have said – one more night. maybe it goes on and on until we die. or alternatively, maybe one more night never comes.

what does it mean to surrender? to surrender is to give up or relinquish. we gave up the “us” that we were fighting for. surrendering is not always bad. sometimes something is not worth fighting for … not worth the casualties. sometimes it is better to give up than get hurt in the struggle.

this is what the writer of this song wrote: “The idea of surrender, to me, has two sides. It can mean accepting defeat, or something more positive and mysterious: acknowledging something greater than yourself, like trusting in the flow of life.”

that is beautiful.

Now all the shapes I know are gone
Charts and maps I’ve drawn just get me lost
And I’m falling off the edge

what does life without you mean? thats what i have to figure out now.

Not one more kiss
Not one more fix

love does feel a bit like an addiction. so i guess these are the withdrawal effects. and nothing feels quite as strong as the drug.

So send me back a thousand days
That first night at your old place
And tell me how it ends
I’d do it all again

these lines break my heart every time. i am so happy that i met you. you have made me the happiest i have ever been in my life. you have shown me what it means to be truly happy. i learned to trust and i told you everything, even my darkest secrets. and every time, you were there for me. you have shown me what it means to be truly loved. the year with you was filled with so much joy and laughter. yes, oh yes, it is better to love and lose.

i dont regret the past at all. and i would do it all again, knowing that we would reach this point … of course i would.

If all that I could ever be was the best ex-lover of your life

i surrender.

supercut

“In my head I play a supercut of us”

 

It was a moment in time. Such a small fraction of our lives, but it felt like forever. It felt like you’d always been a part of me.

You can look back and see all the memories of us. I loved your exuberance. Your spirit. You were adorable in your excitement. I loved your way with words. I loved your caring heart. I loved all the times we laughed together. I loved all the times you rested your head on me on the bus, and put your arm around my waist, and held my hand, and stroked my hair. I miss the love you’d show me when we woke every morning. All these supercuts. And to know they’ll only ever be that…

 

“In your car, the radio up

We keep trying to talk about us”

 

We kept talking about “us”. First it was, what are we? in detailed careful convoluted conversation. Then we were talking about problems. About ways that you hurt me. About ways I hurt you. About the future. About the past. About the present. About breaking up.

Maybe we talked too much about us for it to work. Maybe that was the sign … that we had so many problems. Talking is good they say. You need to communicate. And I thought it was good. We resolved some arguments. But they would always always come back and become more serious, bigger, and bloodier, every time.

In the end, it was me, always, trying to talk about whether there was an “us” worth fighting for anymore

 

“I’ll be your quiet afternoon crush, be your violent overnight rush, make you crazy over my touch”

 

Maybe it blew me away that I was all three to you. And that’s how I fell in love. Because I wanted so much to be wanted. I wanted to touch someone so tremendously. And I felt so much power from that and the power made me drunk.

 

“In my head, I do everything right”

 

This line hits me every time. I feel like I did so many things wrong. I hurt you so many times. We went too fast. We didn’t do it right. And I always repeat in my head – if I’d done it differently, maybe it’d have worked out. Maybe if we’d been friends first. I didn’t know you felt that much. You would say I was playing with your heart and maybe I did.

And yet I don’t regret our relationship at all. I wouldn’t want to turn back time and erase it and I don’t think you would either. And neither of us could have predicted the future.

Maybe in the end this line is just a wishful thinking … wishing for a world of no pain and a world of perfection. And I know it doesn’t exist.

 

“When you call, I’ll forgive and not fight”

 

I couldn’t forgive you for so many things and there are things and times when it would come back to me and I would be filled with so much anger. But I don’t feel that anger anymore. Maybe I’ve been detached from my feelings now and so it doesn’t matter anymore. But even then, in the throes of it, when I was alone in my room with my thoughts, I’d think: if this were my last day on earth, I want to spend it with the man I love. It doesn’t do to be angry. Forgive. Be the bigger person. Have a bigger heart.

But I wouldn’t really forgive, only on the surface. Underneath, it’d fester. It’d drive me crazy with resentment. And I’d fight, over and over.

It mattered so so little but my heart wasn’t big enough

 

“Ours are the moments I play in the dark, We were wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart”

 

I dream about you. Over and over. I can’t seem to stop the dreams. We laugh. We make love. We forgive each other. When I’m alone at night, my mind drifts to you.

We WERE wild and fluorescent and beautiful. I will always have a place for you in my heart.

 

naive orleans

“and I finally found that life goes on without you

my world still turns when you’re not around” – “naive orleans”, anberlin

 

In those many moments when we almost broke up, it felt like the world would be over if I didn’t have him. I imagined a world without him and I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t take it. It broke my heart to think of a world of mine where he wasn’t a part of it.

We stayed together because of this desperation. This anxiety at not having him around. But after I realised that I had to end it, and once I gathered up the courage to do it and not look back, I realised that the words of this song are true. Life does go on. It always does, not matter what happens. Life went on after I no longer saw him, no longer spoke to him. I went having adventures with my friends, studying, seeing my family, going on dates. Life went on and I was alright.

 

“come and go now as you please”

 

Once you realise that life goes on after a break up … that there isn’t one person who is crucial to your world – who you couldn’t survive without – then there’s a certain coldness. Because even though it would hurt to have people leave … you know you’ll be okay. You’ll be strong and you’ll learn to have a good time in spite of it. You can enter and leave my life and I’ll still keep on going and I’ll still find happiness.

In a way, it feels heartless and sad to think like that. It feels like a piece of innocence – a piece of sensitivity gone. But in another way, that’s the only way to survive and there’s no use mourning someone who is gone. Better to appreciate and share happiness with those who are still around.