surrender

Another night in my new skin
Throw emotion to the wind
Just try to find a face that make me feel something

so. its the eighth night. it still feels so strange. and yet, you also feel so so far away. like knowing you was a dream.

im still the same person but in some ways, it does feel like a new skin. my life has changed. ive started doing new things to keep my mind busy: write more. go to club events more. study more.

im tempted to start finding hook-ups or dates. why? i guess i feel lonely. and there feels like theres something missing in my life. although i try to fill the hole of you with self betterment, it still feels empty. im not sure if they would bring me any joy though. could i find a face that makes me feel something?

i dont want to feel anything like i feel for you. no, that wouldnt be fair to you. but … i want to feel something. that would be better than feeling empty.

I’ve been trying to keep my distance
(I still need you, I still need you)
So hard to keep my distance
(I still need you, I still need you)

i have kept my distance but it hasnt been easy. no. these lines convey the inner struggle better than i could. i want to tell you so many things. i see a funny picture and i want to show it to you. i find new things every day that i think would interest you. i want to look good for you and i want you to see when i look good. i dont care if other people see me. youre the one i want to blow away.

And you make me want to stay
Cause you look so good
But I know you babe, and this can’t wait
Not one more touch
One more drink
One more minute
One more night

So I surrender
This is the moment I surrender

neither of us wanted to leave each other. i didnt want the evening to end. then i didnt want the night to end. then i had to make the morning last a little longer. and yet the end had to come. the last night together, the last kiss, the last word. the last drink, the last minute, the last night together. i feel so much grief and truth in these words. “one more….” it always leads to more than one. is it ever the last? i think our consolation came from the fact that we promised ourselves that it wouldnt be the last time. but we dont know that. maybe we have just put off the inevitable. maybe we have said – one more night. maybe it goes on and on until we die. or alternatively, maybe one more night never comes.

what does it mean to surrender? to surrender is to give up or relinquish. we gave up the “us” that we were fighting for. surrendering is not always bad. sometimes something is not worth fighting for … not worth the casualties. sometimes it is better to give up than get hurt in the struggle.

this is what the writer of this song wrote: “The idea of surrender, to me, has two sides. It can mean accepting defeat, or something more positive and mysterious: acknowledging something greater than yourself, like trusting in the flow of life.”

that is beautiful.

Now all the shapes I know are gone
Charts and maps I’ve drawn just get me lost
And I’m falling off the edge

what does life without you mean? thats what i have to figure out now.

Not one more kiss
Not one more fix

love does feel a bit like an addiction. so i guess these are the withdrawal effects. and nothing feels quite as strong as the drug.

So send me back a thousand days
That first night at your old place
And tell me how it ends
I’d do it all again

these lines break my heart every time. i am so happy that i met you. you have made me the happiest i have ever been in my life. you have shown me what it means to be truly happy. i learned to trust and i told you everything, even my darkest secrets. and every time, you were there for me. you have shown me what it means to be truly loved. the year with you was filled with so much joy and laughter. yes, oh yes, it is better to love and lose.

i dont regret the past at all. and i would do it all again, knowing that we would reach this point … of course i would.

If all that I could ever be was the best ex-lover of your life

i surrender.

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drive

im 23. i still feel the same, maybe

they say it gets better. i guess it has. time heals. it does. its hard for me to remember just how hard it was four years ago. but i know it was. i know that i was frozen and i was so so so scared of everyone. and i remember more years ago … pretty much as far back as i can remember … all i wanted was to die. i didnt know what happiness was until i was 17. people always say your childhood days were the best of your life and they wish they were five again and i just stare in wonder. having no responsibilities doesnt mean you will be happy. im happy now. most of the time. but its still hard. it still comes back.

will i ever be free?

will i ever be the girl i dream of?

i like to be alone most of the time 

i guess i do. the more alone i am, the more used i am to it. but i know im happier surrounded by love and laughter … but being around people doesnt mean youre not alone. not quite. sometimes when im around people i feel more alone than if i wasnt.

is it all in my head, what they said? 

i ruin my own life just for nothing

im always afraid of wasting time and wasting life. i know i could be so much more. but i dont do it. i fall into the same old comfortable habits and watch my dream girl crumble to dust

i drive fast so i can feel something 

why

noises

my mind makes noise too much 

Shhhhhh. Calm down. Breathe. Maybe stop thinking for a while oh but what if i never find love and connection and remain alone forever oh i know that i am a terrible person and i know youre disappointed in me trust me im disappointed in myself too why am i only valuable as a sex object i suppose i should stop wearing makeup and trying to look nice then ill stop being stared at thats the point of all that isnt it not like its possible to just want to dress up for yourself?

im afraid that i need help

but what if no one is able to help me maybe im beyond saving and then what will i do maybe ill just keep blaming all my problems on mental illness instead of trying to get any help for it because what if it doesnt work then all ill have to blame is myself what if im not mentally ill just a failure

i know its not right but you cant fix me this time 

thank you for not trying to fix me. i wish people would accept that sometimes i just need someone to talk to i dont need a solution you dont have to berate yourself for failing to fix me because you couldnt no matter how amazing a person you were im my own worst enemy i know that and its up to me but i dont know how i feel i dont have the power but i know this is something i have to do if someone else does it it wont be complete i will still be broken this isnt about you this is about me

what do you see when you look at me?

i dont want to know am i as much of a failure to you as i am to myself maybe i do want you to know my true self because at least it will be real it wont look like success but feel like pain. what do you see do you see emptiness or do you see potential is there hope for me

i cant control my emotions lately, im excited, im sad

why does the smallest thing turn me into an uncontrollable wreck why cant i get a grip why is everything so apocalyptic oh why does my heart break and why do i want to kill myself because of a bad day will i ever be free from this i think i am crazy

i think you mightve overdone it again

definitely. please forget that

the faces that you love are slowly giving up 

youre not supposed to take that long to get better are you? how long can i blame my upbringing for my problems i promise you ill get better but you know its an empty promise

is this me? tell me who i can be

how long do you have to be like this before it becomes who you really are they say its just your brain and you must not listen to your brain but arent i my brain if im really someone else when is she going to show up

Look at me.

an #amcurrently post

its nearing the end of february and i am excited

im in a good head space right now. ive just finished my summer school course and felt more confident about this paper than perhaps ive felt about any other so we will hope that means amazing things. either way, im excited to begin semester 1 and fully dive into my major (moving one step closer to being the badass nerdy research scientist i hope to be whenever i have a good mental health day and stumble upon some interesting piece of cognitive psychology)

i want to join the glee club at my university and get into musical theatre. my high school did not have a glee club so ill be new to this but its an absolute dream of mine to perform again. i do so love to perform, especially if it involves singing. and it has been far too long.

speaking of singing, ive been obsessively listening to walkthemoon, dermot kennedy, and hayley kiyoko (i need the new album. now. please.) recently. throw in a few the 1975 favorites for good measure and you have my recently played. tonight ive also been re-appreciating the beauty of mika’s voice in “happy ending”. that last chorus gives me chills … that note, the little waver in his voice. i. cant.

still, im a bit dry on new music so please recommend stuff to me.

ive booked an appointment to get my hair dyed (finally) and im going for green, blue, and purple so i can finally be a mermaid. let me tell you, i am BEYOND EXCITED. i cannot wait.

now. in other news. ya girl really wants to buy a polaroid so she can take cute pictures but she cant decide if its worth the price (in between getting my hair done and bills). id also dearly like some scented candles for my room so perhaps i should begin with those. it would be lovely to finish reading the brothers karamazov by candlelight before uni starts (fingers crossed on that).

wait. you didnt think i would possibly make a post here without mentioning something about boys, did you?……………………….no, i didnt think so. theres no way i could practice that much self control. but, in a sweet sentence, ill let you know that its been a lovely two months with my boy now and i couldnt be more grateful and in love. truth be told, though, it hasnt been all smooth going. however i think it pretty much comes down to two problems. two problems that we can fix with time and effort. so i still have my hope.

this month is showing me again that beautiful things can and do happen in between everything else.

so. i am looking at the stars.

2017

2017 has been a wild year. I dare say, the wildest year of my 19 years so far, which to be fair, is not saying very much. If I’m lucky and remain healthy, I’ve lived a quarter of my life – which is to say, there are many more potentially and hopefully wild years to come.

Still. Wow. It’s strange. 2017 has passed remarkably slowly and so so much has happened. It amazes me that so much can be packed into a single year. I started 2017 depressed as hell. I was working three days a week and aside from that, more or less, I was grounded. It drove me crazy. I can’t tell you how claustrophobic it felt. One of my greatest fears is a lack of freedom and I felt that lack. Acutely. It made me panic and it felt like walls closing in. I compensated with holding on, working, and waiting for uni. I tend to hate holidays as well. Without the routine and distraction of schoolwork and without seeing my friends everyday, it is easy to fall into depression. Which I did. Hard.

Life gets better. It really does. But not right away. 2017 saw my first year at university and I don’t know what to say about that, even now. While other parts of my life got better, university was rough all year round. I felt like all the socialization I’d done in year 13 had gone out of the window. I was back at square one. I had no idea how to make friends and was too terrified and exhausted to speak to anyone anyway. I can tell you that I made 0 friends from university this year. Maybe 0.5 friends because there is one person who always says hi to me when we pass?

I can tell you that university didn’t exactly help the depression.

But. There’s something to be said for adventures alone. Even if it was isolating, it was also freeing and eye opening and incredible to go on adventures on my own for, really, the first time.in my life. It was fun taking public transport, as strange as that sounds. It was great discovering the freedom of being able to get around on your own and to go everywhere around the city. It was fun discovering what it means to be your own person … to buy what you want, eat and drink what you want, dress how you want, go where you want, hang with who you want. It was freeing to have the option to go or not go to lectures. It was freeing to have the world as my oyster, even if I was too lonely and sad to fully appreciate that. Still. It was nice to know that that was an option.

I moved out. It still amazes me that that really happened. I’ve been dreaming about moving out since as far back as I can remember and to think that it actually happened … when I was 18 like I wanted … I can’t stop marveling in it. I don’t remember to appreciate it nearly as much as I should … that I’ve really achieved this dream of mine. I rent an apartment room in the city. It’s mine and mine alone and it’s cozy and comfortable and cute. And it’s in the city! Tell me that isn’t lovely. I can look out my window and see the city lights up close and I can go anywhere at midnight and I’m on the 13th floor! If that was my only achievement this year, I could even say that I was happy with it.

Academically, uni was fine. I got the grades I expected both semesters, and even better than I’d dared hoped in second semester. I didn’t take advantage of extra help and I ended up simply studying for exams and assignments much of the time rather than truly immersing myself in learning. I found myself too depressed and tired to care about uni unless grades were involved. That makes me sad. But I made it through and next year will be better. Yes, I always tell myself that but that doesn’t mean it won’t really happen.

I suppose if my social life took a dive, at least my love life became existent. A hella lot of flirting, three relationships, and a rollercoaster ride later, I can say that I’ve come out better for the experience. It was beautiful. It was fun. It was eye opening. It was all of them. I can really say that. It was the friendship that I didn’t have platonically … but also love. I fell in love for the first time, and I would venture to say, it was a good thing … if I had to classify 2017 into columns of good and bad … but of course I don’t do things like that. I deal in grey. Always grey. I suppose it was grey. But a pretty grey.

I discovered some of the best music this year. It’s wonderful. Coupled with the amount of public transport I take, I do really need it. I’m in awe with just how good music can be.

I learned to cook. If you can call it that … 75 percent of my food is good or edible. The other 25 percent must be disguised with copious amounts of sweet soy sauce … but I get by. I learned to clean a shower … sort of. Spoiled child that I am, it’s been a process.

I feel like I’ve found my style this year … or at least a good portion of it. I’m dressing in clothes that I really love and wearing colors I want on my face. I’ve learned to do makeup and it’s brilliant. I am in love. I’m trying not to let fear and embarrassment discourage me from looking the way I want and I think I’ve done a pretty decent job of that. Two years ago, I was self conscious about my mascara looking too obvious. Now I WILL wear a bright red dress and I WILL wear green lipstick and I WILL not care that I look like Christmas.

I’ve tried a lot of new things – food, drinks, places, movies, experiences. I’ve taken risks. Social anxiety aside, I’ve made choices and gone for experiences in which my bravery impresses me. I didn’t like some of them, but mostly I loved and breathed everything life has to offer.

Creativity-wise … I suppose 2017 has been a flop. This blog has been one of the only things I’ve been able to keep up. Flute and piano practice have completely gone out the window and I have written …. let’s see. 2 songs? I have progressed backwards on every language I was learning. I wrote 15000 words of a novel. I read more than twenty books but they were mostly for my uni course. I’ve been taking the year slowly. That’s ok. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will probably not have a creative career and that I’ll probably be happier for it. I’m doing and creating what feels right when it feels right because … that feels right for me.

I’ve written a lot of introspective, non fictional content. I’ve had this platform … always there for me when I needed. I’ve written pieces on the things I love, on music that speaks to me, on boys. Ah, boys. Boys. There have been love letters. There have been existential crises. I’ve kept up my instagram accounts and found art there.

I’ve gone through more than one identity crisis. 2017 didn’t help at all. But I feel a lot more clarity now. I am every feeling I feel and every mask I put on. I am all of them. I am dynamic and colorful and a kaleidoscope. That was a discovery.

A lot of friendships have faded. I haven’t forgotten my myriad of posts on loneliness just one to two months ago. Loneliness is real. It may be one of the most real things in my life. But. (There’s always a but) I’m feeling positive about it now. I’m looking up.

I have a friend that I know I can rely on. I have a friend group that is flaky and fragmented but … we do have good times. Sometimes. I’m not sure who my real friends are. But maybe that doesn’t matter so much. Even though there’s a part of my brain that tells me that THATS ALL THAT MATTERS … I don’t know. Maybe I’ve just come to a point where I’ve realised there’s no point in getting upset over it. I’m a little resigned right now to being the third wheel … or fourth or fifth or seventh wheel. To being the one to ask to be invited places. It doesn’t matter. I’ll find happiness where I can. I’ll give love where I can. Maybe people don’t care especially for me. Well maybe I don’t care especially for most people either. We find people that make life bearable and that surround us with noise and fun and maybe … in rare moments of luck … friendship. What is a friend even? Maybe it doesn’t matter. The people I know are enough. Maybe one day I’ll find the place where I belong. Until then, maybe I’ll be a nomad.

I’m obnoxiously giddy with happiness right now. I’m not sure why. Maybe because the year has been good after all. That might be because I’m in a happy mood and am only therefore remembering the positive moments in HD (my psychology classes would say that’s why – see, I didn’t forget everything). But if that was the case, I’m glad it is. I’d rather remember the good because it was pretty darn good. I achieved and learned so much. I’m in a place I want to be now. I’m living where I want. My relationship with my family is better. I have the best friend a girl could ask for and I have lovely people in my life. I’m in a relationship and I have so much hope for it. I’m maybe dangerously happy with my boyfriend and dangerously committed in a dangerously short amount of time. I don’t care. Life is short and I’m one quarter of the way through. 3 quarters of a lifetime is hardly long enough to do everything and discover everywhere and share the infinite love of a bursting heart with another person. I’m going for what I want.

I’m so so excited for next year.

I know that the high will fade eventually and that maybe the low will come in. Sooner or later. But that’s ok too.

Right now, it’s 2017. And I’m alive.

naive orleans

“and I finally found that life goes on without you

my world still turns when you’re not around” – “naive orleans”, anberlin

 

In those many moments when we almost broke up, it felt like the world would be over if I didn’t have him. I imagined a world without him and I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t take it. It broke my heart to think of a world of mine where he wasn’t a part of it.

We stayed together because of this desperation. This anxiety at not having him around. But after I realised that I had to end it, and once I gathered up the courage to do it and not look back, I realised that the words of this song are true. Life does go on. It always does, not matter what happens. Life went on after I no longer saw him, no longer spoke to him. I went having adventures with my friends, studying, seeing my family, going on dates. Life went on and I was alright.

 

“come and go now as you please”

 

Once you realise that life goes on after a break up … that there isn’t one person who is crucial to your world – who you couldn’t survive without – then there’s a certain coldness. Because even though it would hurt to have people leave … you know you’ll be okay. You’ll be strong and you’ll learn to have a good time in spite of it. You can enter and leave my life and I’ll still keep on going and I’ll still find happiness.

In a way, it feels heartless and sad to think like that. It feels like a piece of innocence – a piece of sensitivity gone. But in another way, that’s the only way to survive and there’s no use mourning someone who is gone. Better to appreciate and share happiness with those who are still around.