braindead 

Im rather appalled when I think of it at how dead my brain has become

It feels like it’s been far too long since I’ve used it at all

I can feel it’s definitely worse for lack of use. It’s essentially like a muscle that needs to be worked or it gets weak

The other day I was having trouble getting my brain to absorb information from my psychology homework. But I decided that if I was going to procrastinate, I might as well procrastinate in a “productive” way. So I opened up my folder full of my novel drafts – finished and unfinished – and plans, with the goal of finding something to work on.

I was – and I can’t find a better word for this – rather amazed by what I’d done. Don’t get me wrong. My work is nothing to shout about and needs much improvement. But … I had written novels. I had written multiple novels. There were a lot of words and a lot of effort put into them.

I couldn’t imagine doing that now. I struggle to write a paragraph of fiction … how am I supposed to write 50,000 words? And yet I did it and I can only imagine the focus and determination that went into it.

I was inspired to brush up on my French language (pretty much non existent at this point) and I remembered how I passed three years worth of French … how I completed Duolingo and was attempting to read classic French stories like Sylvie.

I can introduce myself and order food now (badly). That’s about it. And every time I resolve to learn it for real this time, the resolve lasts a week at most.

I could go on with these examples … how I listen to my old songs from 2015 and haven’t written a full one for months … how I was learning the piano and reached Grade 3 and would sit there for hours learning new pop songs but I can barely muster up the effort to remember how to play my own songs now … how I used to write fricking English essays for fun and I haven’t put a word to my essay for my upcoming exam.

In short, I’ve stopped trying. I give up so so easily. At the slightest sign of difficulty, at the slightest blank of my mind, at the slightest suggestion that my brain will have to work, I run. I shut my laptop. I switch to facebook. I go to bed. I. Give. Up.

I’ve lost resilience and my brain is losing strength. I’m terrible at focusing. You don’t understand how huge the temptation is to switch the tab from this post and go to social media instead, or watch a video.

Yes, social media plays a huge part. I can’t deny it any longer. It does. I still can find a million ways to procrastinate without it … but it gets boring much faster. And there comes a point when my own thoughts interest me more than no thoughts at all … when working my brain becomes entertainment. But with social media, I am constantly entertained by a barrage of …. stuff … that I have little incentive to use any form of entertainment that would require effort. It’s too easy now.

That said, eventually social media too can become rather repetitive and I do feel the urge for something different. I long to stretch my brain … even as I panic because it’s hard and it makes my brain hurt.

Mostly, I need to learn to stop giving up and that’s more a case of willpower than anything else. It’s a mentality that if you start something, you goddamn finish it. No excuses. Because that’s how you progress.

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Hiding my face in a paper bag

I have this thing where whenever someone I don’t know tries to talk to me, I feel the irresistible urge to run away. To hide my face in a paper bag and never see them again.

It’s not that I hate people. I love people. I love human interaction. I think I’m a people person.

It’s just … I’m terrified. Terrified of people. Terrified of not being good enough. Terrified of being boring, annoying, or offensive and driving people away. I’m terrified and incredibly intimidated of people.

In real life, I can’t run away. I mean, I suppose I could in the literal sense but that would be a little bit awkward … But even so, I can’t completely avoid people. I go to school and see the same classmates every week so I’m forced to somehow endure the terror of social interaction and eventually I become friends with these people and it’s not so scary anymore.

But it’s different online. When the interaction is online, running away becomes a plausible and quite tempting option.

I don’t have the greatest online track record.

I abandoned my old blog without a single warning … Just disappeared from the blogosphere.

I abruptly stopped emailing my penpal even though she’s been there for me when I needed her and we had gotten quite close at one period.

I started a business of Fiverr and forgot all about it. When two people bought my service and gave bad reviews because I forgot to deliver, I put my account on hold and vowed never to use it again.

When people talked to me on Twitter or I tagged people, I logged out of my account for three months.

When I comment on people’s blogs, I don’t always check for replies especially if I said something heartfelt or particularly meaningful to me.

Sometimes I do things online that I later regret or I write about something controversial or extremely personal. And that’s usually … relatively ok, because it’s online. I can just abandon my account, or blog, or whatever platform. I do post pictures of myself sometimes, but I have an alias, and separate social media linked with my pen name.

This time around, it’s a little bit different. I linked my personal social media to this blog, for instance. Should I have? I don’t know. To be honest, the main reason I linked the accounts was so I could have those pretty icons on my sidebar, and I didn’t want to start separate accounts for my writing persona because it’s just too much haste and too hard to maintain. And that’s a legit reason. I also used my own email for my blog.

If I ever want to abandon this blog, I could just transfer my email account so I can start a new one, but again it’s a lot of hassle. And if I begin mixing the lines between personal social media and the blogosphere, it’s going to be harder to hide.

But I mean, I’m scared. Chances are, I’m going to do something I regret and wish I could change my name, wear a paper bag on my head, and move to a different planet rather than face up to it. And I guess the truth is, online relationships don’t matter all that much to me. That does make me sound cold, I know. I guess it just doesn’t feel as important as my IRL relationships so it always gets put on the back burner and I end up abandoning online friends and personas because I don’t care enough. That does make me feel like a terrible person.

I don’t even know what my point is … I guess it’s just to say that it’s nice being anonymous and having a blog where nobody reads what you write, and nobody comments … At the same time, I do like interacting with people online. I’m just not sure how far I’m willing to go with it. And I don’t want to end up being rude and yes, I’m terrified of driving anybody away.

But I guess I’ll try … try to be a bit more brave and run away less.